Day Three Covid 19 self quarantine

March 17 , 2020 - Happy St Patrick’s Day !

What is St. Patrick’s Day all about? I’m going to take my own advice and do a little googling.  

Saint Patrick is the patron saint and national apostle of Ireland. He is credited with successfully spreading Christianity throughout Ireland—hence the Christian celebration of his life and name.

if you are wondering about the shamrock…

We wear a shamrock on St. Patrick’s Day because, legend says, St. Patrick used its three leaves to explain the Holy Trinity in his teachings. (The Trinity is the Father, the Son, and the Spirit as three divine persons who are one divine being [God].) The truth of the St. Patrick legend, however, is in question, as there is no direct record that the saint actually used the shamrock as a teaching tool.

How on earth did the green beer drinking rowdy parades come from this start? 

The St. Patrick’s Day tradition began as a feast day held in honor of St. Patrick on the anniversary of the day he died. Christians are allowed to put aside their Lenten restrictions on food and alcohol consumption on this day, which is why excessive drinking has become so permanently linked to the celebration.

Eventually, the feast day evolved into a greater celebration including not only St. Patrick, but also Irish culture, history, and traditions. Though the feast day began in Ireland, the first St. Patrick’s Day parade began in America. The parade tradition became exceptionally popular in the 1840s, when hundreds of thousands of Irish immigrants came to America to escape the potato famine.

It makes me think a little bit about religion and spirituality and about the many different ways we all find solace when we need it.  Prayer, meditation, yoga…..whatever way we find to manage human discomfort or stress.  I find meditation extremely helpful in managing stress, anxiety, and fear.  It helps me learn to tune into the present moment or what is real IN THIS MOMENT.  Everything is ok in the current moment.  When my monkey mind starts going crazy (am I going to get sick? How do I deal with my restless pre-teen? Will I be able to get groceries when I need them? ), it helps me to bring my awareness right back to NOW.  In the now, everything is ok.  Most people know I don’t like to fly in airplanes and most people also see my very very regular travel on airplanes.  Meditation is  how I manage this, and it has been extremely helpful.  All I can influence in any given moment is how I show up in the present moment.  I can learn to feel relaxed in the current moment, I can learn to manage the fear and uncertainty through my breath.  When we move from this fearful place, it opens us to “how can we help”? “how can I lead”? “how can I reassure people who are struggling even more than I am”? 

Coping mechanisms in times of trouble are extremely important.  Each of us needs to find our way.  FEAR makes people look within, HOPE makes people look outside of themselves.  What can I DO?  

I can:

breathe

choose to stay inside because it’s the right thing to do

comfort others

stay calm

stay grounded

help others

take care of my mind and my heart - recognize anxiety, but don’t let it take over

make a donation to The Giving Kitchen to help out of work restaurant workers

order takeout to support a local restaurant (Cameli’s offering “half baked” pizzas so you can cook them at home!)

I think we need to take a close look at the amount of time we spend on our news feed and our social media feed.  While information is important, limiting it in times of stress is also important.  CHOOSE a small window of time in which you gather information and the rest of the time focus on other things.  Check in with yourself; if you are feeling overwhelmed by news, limit it.  You can’t be in the NOW if you are constantly checking the news.  We create our reality.  While COVID 19 is real, so is the fact that in this moment we are healthy.  We are safe.  We are in control of our minds.  Meditation can help with this.  Try it - you’ve got time! 

Now - if you’re looking for a fun way to entertain your kids - check out what my friend Kristin (super badass and super mom) did to entertain her boys this morning! 

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Or, if you need to express yourself through some baking today - here’s a recipe for Irish Oatmeal Scones in honor of St. Patrick’s Day.  I’m going to try them later!  (hint - if you don’t have currants, use any dried fruit)  (If you don’t have buttermilk - who ever does? - you can google how to make milk into buttermilk)……..wait! I’ll do it for you…

  • scant cup whole or 2% milk, or heavy cream (I don’t drink milk so will likely use almond or coconut or oat milk…it will probably work) 

  • 1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice or distilled white vinegar

Mix together, let sit for 10 minutes…next best thing to buttermilk

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup currants

water to cover

1-1/4 cups flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup sugar

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 stick butter

1 cup oatmeal

1/3 cup buttermilk

melted butter

coarse-grained sugar, optional

INSTRUCTIONS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Combine currants and water in Pyrex measuring cup. Microwave to boiling point, cover, and let stand.

Combine first 5 dry ingredients in large mixing bowl or Cuisinart bowl. Cut in butter with pastry knife, or pulse in Cuisinart until it resembles coarse meal. Drain currants, then add to mixture with oatmeal. Stir in buttermilk until dough is barely moistened.

Turn dough onto floured board and knead 6 to 8 times. Roll or pat into a circle, place on ungreased baking sheet, and score into 8 wedges. Brush the top with melted butter and sprinkle with coarse-grained sugar (if using). Bake for about 15 minutes.

This recipe can be doubled and divided into 3 circles with 6 wedges each. Doubled it yields about 30 two-inch round scones.

YIELD: 

8 scones

School starts today for Wilson! How he adapts to virtual learning will be interesting.  My guess - he will demand we only home school moving forward. (Help!) .  More updates later. 

Posting this the day AFTER St. Patrick’s Day, but hope you enjoy it anyway! I get to the writing before or after the day job, so it gets posted when it gets posted.  Day 5 may appear on day 7 and so on.  Either way - know that I am sending out lots of love and positive energy to all of you.

Day Two

Day two.  Self Quarantine.  The rumors are flying via text message about a 14 day quarantine by president Trump.  I pray he makes this bold and courageous move.  While our economy may suffer, our humans will live.  The humans we love and care about.  The humans who staff our hospitals and ERs, the humans who raised us and have taken care of us.  It’s time Americans stopped thinking about “us and them”.  This virus knows no nationality, no skin color, no political party.  Our immune systems are equipped to fight it IF we have healthy immune systems.  So many people don’t, and those of us healthy enough to make the choice need to do everything we can to protect the people who can’t fight this on their own.   Love thy neighbor.  Care for your friends and family.  Stay home.  Worry will get us nowhere, but small actions that each of us can take to help another WILL make a difference. 

These are the things I’m telling myself and also remembering to breathe and limit social media.  We all have work to do and families to care for, and we can’t continue to worry our heads silly.  The birds are still singing, the sun is still rising, and we are still healthy.  Living in this present moment is important.  Remembering what we are grateful for is important.  Laughing is important.  Listening to music is important.  Remembering all the simple pleasures of life is important.  During the hours we aren’t working remotely (or if you are unable to work remotely), here’s a few things you can do….. 

Thank a health care professional  

Thank the teacher who is managing 12 year olds VIRTUALLY 

Call up a friend or family member and ask them what they need and how you can help

Write a letter to an old friend or a new friend

Make a new recipe - throw together random things in your pantry

Learn about something you have always wanted to learn about - google still works as do books and documentaries

stretch! (we never have “time” to stretch, right)- flexibility is one of the most important attributes of living a long and healthy life

hug the people you are quarantined with OR, if you are alone - wrap your arms around yourself and think of ten things you love about YOU…..and then call a friend and tell them what you love about them

Start a journal - what I’m grateful for during this crisis

Ask your co-workers how they are doing…how they are REALLY doing

Avoid social media and news for a solid portion of the day; allow x amount of minutes per day to stay informed, and then shut. it. down.  (too much overload with constant streaming of information)

Social distance, hunker down, and remember what we did before all we did was “go”

Read that book you’ve been meaning to read. Listen to a podcast. 

Go for a walk or a run outside - sunshine and fresh air are good for the soul

Open up the good bottle of wine ….and savor it

Set a beautiful table and use the beautiful dishes for your pantry creation dinner

Clean your garage

Clean off your desk and clean out your file cabinets

Work on that business plan or strategy piece you haven’t had time for

Simply THINK. When is the last time you stopped everything and just generated some IDEAS? Think of your home quarantine as an incubator for the next great invention/revelation/creative endeavor.

Crank up the tunes - have a dance party! (either alone or with your family or your dog)

Write that book!  Paint that painting! Compose that song! 

BREATHE.  Deeply.  Try a meditation app - I like 10% Happier

Most importantly, keep a daily gratitude list of allllll that we have to be thankful for; the list is endless.  Stay focused upon these things.  Right now the birds are belting out a beautiful tune from my backyard, the trees are bursting with blooms, the daffodils and tulips are in full flower, and spring is still on its way.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  And control what you can; your attitude, your mindset, and how your micro actions can help others.  Remember (I’ve been seeing this meme circulating) - Shakespeare wrote King Lear during the plague.  What can you contribute to make our world a better place?  Let your creativity shine.   

COVID-19 Self Quarantine Day One

Yesterday we made the decision.  Stay home.  It’s the only real way to stop this disease in its tracks.  I’ve read more articles, posts, memes, and scientific and non scientific information to assure me that this is the right thing to do.  Self quarantining is the only way.  If we are waiting for someone else to tell us what to do,  we are making a mistake.  Our leaders seem ill-equipped to follow the evidence or listen to the scientists that fully understand, so it’s time to be the leaders that our families and friends need.  

It’s not easy to tell a 12 year old who has just been let out of school “this is not a snow day - we don’t need to be fearful, but we need to be CAREFUL.”  Think about that word.  CARE. FUL. We need to be full of care.  Full of care for people that are at risk - the immunocompromised (there are soooo many people who take medication that suppresses their immune systems or that suffer from diseases that impact their immune system), the elderly, the people with breathing problems, the people with sick parents and grandparents…. the list goes on and on.  While we may not be at high risk for death, none of us want to experience a terrible flu-like virus either - let alone give it to someone at high risk for death. Talk about disruptive to our lives!  Give me the disruption of working from home via computer and phone.  Give me the disruption of more family time.  Give me the disruption of time to read, write, create, cook, laugh with my family, clean out closets, write letters, go for a solitary run in the fresh air (at least for now)…all the things we never have time to do in our over-scheduled lives.  I’m choosing to be grateful for so many things in this moment.  Grateful that I can work from home.  Grateful that I am currently healthy.  Grateful that my family is healthy.  Am I sad that my Italian wedding this summer will likely be postponed? Yes.  Am I sad that important business trips and meetings will need to be put off? Yes.  Am I sad that I won’t get to see my friends and colleagues for awhile?  Yes.  But in the big picture of things, none of those things matter.  Life will eventually return to some kind of normal.  In the meantime, we must create a new normal.  This new normal has the added benefit of being closer to our family than we have been in awhile.  On a normal weekend day,  my 12 year old would set off for a day of running around with his friends.  Today he went for a run/walk with me, did his own laundry, bathed the dog, and wants to help cook dinner.  (WOW)  Right now he’s doing push-ups, sit-ups, and wall sits.  While he’s not happy about his lack of social interaction (he is SO social!), he seems to understand the serious nature of this situation and respects our responsibility to others.  I respect his ability to turn lemons into lemonade.  

Today, I read a book for two hours, wrote for awhile, went for a long walk, cooked some soup, and did a lot of laundry.  I also created a vegan chocolate chip cookie last night - shockingly good!

Those things feel so grounding.  I imagine these activities will get old as the days or possibly weeks progress, but right now they feel like such luxury!   I’m confident we will get on each other’s nerves, watch more Netflix than we should, and long for our favorite restaurants.  It doesn’t matter.   Wisdom from my recent yoga retreat in Mexico - “You don’t have to like everything”.  We are used to fast paced, quick access, immediate gratification lifestyles. What if we embrace this time to slow down, simplify, “hunker down”? I feel extreme privilege even saying this, because I know there are many not as fortunate as I am.  I realize that there are people that HAVE to get out to make money and HAVE to make decisions that they may not want to make, but must for economic reasons.  I pray that there is help on the horizon from the government, or that the rest of us continue to help our neighbors in every way we can.

When Monday arrives, I will spend a lot of time on the phone and zoom meetings instead of personal face to face interaction.  That’s ok.  I feel a new type of bond with my team as we navigate through this crisis together; as we get creative about how to do our work and communicate with customers and teammates.  I feel a need to protect them and encourage them to think of themselves and their families first.  I feel a need to tell everyone I love to JUST STAY HOME.  Just for awhile.  We will find a way to get our work done. I fully trust the experiences that have come before us - China, Italy - they say they wish they would have…..before tens of thousands of people died in the wake of something that could be slowed by “social distancing”. - the new buzzphrase of 2020 - who would have thought? 

We will all be impacted by this.  I’m going to stay focused on gratitude - for health, for the ability to “hunker down”, for my family, for Netflix, for good books to read, and for lots of ways to communicate with others that don’t involve face to face interaction.  I’m thinking of having a virtual “wine night” this week with my friends.  Who’s in? Sending all the positive vibes out to the universe and to my people.  As I think about Italy and their current lockdown, I think about this beautiful greeting on the wall at one of my favorite places there - Castello di Ama - an entire room covered with these little messages.   

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BINGO!

This is one of the best gifts I have ever received. Robb (my partner/friend/love/soon to be husband) painted it for me. (It’s so much better in person - He is an amazing painter, and this is one of his best! I feel honored that he gifted it to me. F…

This is one of the best gifts I have ever received. Robb (my partner/friend/love/soon to be husband) painted it for me. (It’s so much better in person - He is an amazing painter, and this is one of his best! I feel honored that he gifted it to me. For more of his work - see @robblejuwaan on instagram.

Glittering, sparkling, overwhelming magic.  Not everyone believes in it; not everyone recognizes that serendipitous moment when forces collide and magic is the only answer to the “what the?” question.  We all amble along in this life, getting things done, making things happen, pulling levers, pushing buttons…..we DO things.  We have “to do” lists a mile long.  We learn ways to prioritize our “to do” lists so that we can get it all done.  Take an average day - we drink coffee, brush our teeth, walk the dog, cook for our kids, tell them to put their dishes in the dishwasher, drive to work, make some decisions, have some meetings, set some appointments, drive home, make some dinner, help with homework, watch some sports or Netflix,pay some bills, have some conversations and a little quality family time, and then do it all again.  I love a good “to do” list. I love setting goals, writing down what I want to accomplish, and then proudly checking each item off with a red marker and an internal “YESSSSSS!”   I’ve been known to write things down on the list that I’ve actually already done just to be able to check it off.  (admit it - you have too!)  There can be a lot of joy found in all of that doing throughout the day, but is that all there is - “to do” lists and getting things done? 

What about all the really really GOOD STUFF in between? What about that phone call we get from an old friend where we giggle and reminisce and feel insanely grateful that they called?  What about that new song that Spotify added to your playlist that has all the words you needed to hear?  What about briefly lying your head on your desk wishing you had a new job and at that moment a recruiter calls?  What about the one  book you pick up in a bookstore that answers a question you have been wondering about? What about that creative burst of energy that appears and we paint a picture or write a story or take beautiful photographs? What about that random class that appears in our instagram feed that we spontaneously sign up for and it is LIFE CHANGING? What about the new friend we make while ON the walk with the dog that just HAPPENED to be strolling along a particular street at exactly the same moment we are strolling along a particular street?  What about meeting the love of your life on an airplane and they had JUST changed their seat at the last minute to wind up next to you and you had JUST barely made the flight in time? This is what I mean by magic.  When the universe lines up to give you just what you need right when you need it.   These things happen all the time.  Can we harness some type of energy to MAKE them happen, and if these thing do happen, DO WE EVEN NOTICE?  

When I was a little girl, I wanted to write a book.  I was in the third grade and it was all I could think about.  I had read every single Roald Dahl book ever written, and I was fascinated and entranced at what he could create and how he could make magic real.  ( I feel the same way today about Stephen King, one of the most prolific and best writers of all times; his stuff can be gory and over the top, but he sucks you into his magic with words so specifically and beautifully chosen that you can’t stop and suddenly you are in a different reality).  My teacher at the time was quite encouraging and told me to write a letter to Roald Dahl, which I did, and he wrote me back! (or his assistant did - whatever!).  He signed the letter.  He sent me a signed a copy of Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator.  He sent both to me, and I was overjoyed.  I started my quest to write a book then and there.  Every day at recess while the other kids learned about sports and chased each other around the playground, I would go into the long coat closet and sit on the floor and write. and write. and write.  I couldn’t tell you what about, I couldn’t tell you what happened to that book, but I was determined.  And since then I have continued to write, mostly privately, but have ventured into a blog in recent years.  I’ve toyed with the idea of multiple book topics, but this one keeps coming back to me as a message I want to get out there.  I think it’s ironic (magical?) that it started with the magic of Roald Dahl and is culminating in my own little magical game of Bingo.  One of my favorite Roald Dahl quotes is - Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.  So, open your mind to magical thinking, suspend your disbelief if you will, and let in the possibility of a little magic.  Combined with a little gratitude.  The two together will change your life.  

I read a book a few years ago that was about playing games in your life - I can’t for the life of me remember what the book was called or I would name it here.  I remember that I  didn’t much like the book except for one little part of it…..it was a section about playing BINGO with your life.  I read a lot of books, gather a lot of ideas, maybe even try a thing or two for awhile, but this is something that has stuck and has literally CHANGED MY LIFE.  I’m going to teach you how to do it, I’m going to challenge you to try it, and we’re going to make magic happen in your life. 

The game itself is a 5-15 minute commitment once a week.  You know - 1/10 of the time you spend scrolling on social media - you have the time, you just have to commit to it.  I say 5-15 minutes because the first few times you do it it takes a little more time, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. I spend about 5 minutes now, and it impacts the other 10075 minutes of my week in a big way.

So let’s get started.  You need a bingo template - 5 squares by 5 squares - typical Bingo.  You can had draw it, or you can go to a website from your phone or computer and find a free one.  Some people like to write, some like to type - your choice. I do the latter and I just typed in 5x5 bingo card template and there are a few.  I have always used the one that says 5x5 Bingo Card Maker - Teach-nology.  It gives you 25 blank spots that you fill in and then it creates your card.  I then save it to iBooks on my my phone and have a digital card saved for every week.  I have been doing this every Monday (mostly without fail) for more than five years now.  It may not be a randomized, double blinded, placebo controlled study, but I’m here to tell you it works.  

The first rule of the BINGO game is you sit back and think about random good things that could POTENTIALLY happen in a week.  Sometimes I look at my calendar to see what’s upcoming, sometimes I’m less specific.  The key is this is the antithesis of a “to do” list.  This is a “could happen” list.  As in, things out of your control that could happen to you.  Now - you may be sorely disappointed if you fill every square with WIN THE LOTTERY.  The key here is things that could happen.  (I don’t know if you know the lottery odds, but even in my most magical of thinking days, the odds are stacked against you here).  That being said, nearly every week one of my squares reads “receive random money”…could be a quarter in the washer, a random refund check in the mail, or a friend repays me for a loan I forgot I made.  You get the picture.  Some things are very specific, some more vague.  I imagine every person out there has different ideas of what a “good thing” looks like.  Mine vary from week to week depending on what is upcoming, depending on my mood, and depending if anyone has asked me to add one of their desires to my bingo card that week.

You fill in each box with one good thing.  Some examples:

Hear from an old friend

Receive random money

Make a new friend

Have a great conversation with a stranger

Receive a gift

Discover new music

Get sucked into a book

Score the winning touchdown

Give an amazing presentation

Have safe and easy travels

Feel inspired to create something

Quality family time happens

Great conversation with your child happens

Have an amazing strong run

Sometimes they are about feelings, not actual event

Feel inspired

Feel gratitude

Feel deep love

Feel helpful

Feel mentally strong

You get the idea. The key is - something you have no control over or something you would like to happen to you or a way you would like to feel in the upcoming week.  

Timing is up to you.  I have a reminder set on my phone to do every Monday at 7 am.  I’m an early riser and this gives me the opportunity to get my week off to a great start.  I also take this time to do the other part of this exercise which is to pull up the previous week’s card and check off the boxes of the things that actually happened.  It gives you the opportunity to look at a square and think - YES, I did have a conversation with a stranger - that uber driver and I talked about quantum physics! (or global warming, or the love of your mother, or whatever!).  Little things that add up to an interesting and great life.   It’s so freaking simple, but do we ever do it?  

I will get right to the punch line here - EVERY WEEK FOR FIVE YEARS - at the end of the week 24-25 of the boxes are checked.  24-25 GOOD THINGS happen to me. Even if I’ve had a rough week, it gives me the opportunity to open my heart to the extreme gratitude of all the little and big things that happen every week to make my life full and wonderful.  It takes me out of the “to do” list mentality and into the love is in the details magic.  Life is magical and wonderful and sometimes awful and tragic.  I believe that focusing on the good things brings more of these things into your life.  This is a way to harness that belief.  A lot of people think that kind of thinking is hocus pocus or just silly.  I have lived it for five years straight now.  That’s not to say the past five years haven’t had rough moments, bad news, heartbreak, or tragedy.  All of those things happen.  And, at the same time, so many magical, wonderful, delightful small miracles happen every single day.  (the other day ALL 25 of my things happened in a SINGLE day)  LOOK for the magic.  Be GRATEFUL for the magic.  That is the message of BINGO.  

Serendipity in Tokyo

In the past three weeks I have travelled a lot of miles.

Atlanta to San Francisco for a long weekend.

Atlanta to Barcelona for Thanksgiving week with the family

Barcelona back to Atlanta for 12 hours

Atlanta to Tokyo for a week of work

Tokyo back to Atlanta for two days

Atlanta to New Orleans for three days of interviewing.

Phew.  I’m tired, but so very satisfied with the wonder of the world and the joy of travel.  

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There was so much intensity to this travel - wonderful times with family and friends and colleagues. But there is one experience that stands out - a “small world” experience that started in Tokyo.  

Several different people had recommended that we go to the top floor bar (52nd floor) of the Park Hyatt hotel in Tokyo.  This is the same hotel bar as the one in the Lost in Translation movie.  Lost in Translation had kind of been the theme of our week as we attempted to do our work with a translator buzzing in our ears. So, on our last night, after a week of long work days and time zone acclimation, we decided to head to this hot spot. I was kind of reluctant to go to an American hotel bar while in Tokyo, but SO many people had recommended - we just couldn’t resist.  I went with two colleagues to the top of the Hyatt bar in Tokyo for a cocktail.  We are lucky enough to be seated at wonderful window table where we see all of Tokyo displayed like magic below us.  Skyscrapers.  Below us.  The lights seemed to stretch on forever.  Tokyo is this giant, clean, magnificent city that goes on and on and on.  

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We order a cocktail and are mesmerized by the people watching and the view. I have to add this is possibly the sexiest bar on earth.  We decided there was no better way to describe it; a jazz trio playing, dark and sultry, and everywhere we looked there was that stunning view. There’s no other drink than a martini for this situation, and Sunil commented on his love for blue cheese olives. (Who doesn’t love a blue cheese olive?) .  At the table next to us was an American couple - the guy leans over and says - “blue cheese olives are the best” ! We chuckle and move on with our conversation, never really thinking twice about this person or the conversation.  We share some delicious food, have a second martini, and end our beautiful evening after an extraordinarily long day. 

The next day we are heading back to the US in the afternoon, and my colleague and I decide to seek out an Owl Cafe - who knew there was such a thing?  There are several to choose from; we randomly pick one that doesn’t seem too far from our hotel.  The taxi drops us off, we wander up and down some alleys searching for it.  We don’t find it for awhile, but instead stumble upon a tiny little park oasis in the middle of a residential street behind the bustling shops.  The leaves on the trees are a combination of brilliant red, yellow, and orange hues- Tokyo in the fall - wowza.  There is a little hut with two benches.  We sit on each one and close our eyes to take in the birdsong and the peace of the moment.  There was no need to talk.  It was a lovely place to just be.  I found myself thinking about the wonder of being in this beautiful spot halfway around the world.  I found myself thinking about the fact that I literally hadn’t stopped to breathe for the past two weeks (traveling so many miles by air in such a short period of time is not for the faint of heart) - the days were full of work and translators and constant activity and social engagement.  I took a deep belly breath and was grateful.  I was grateful for the job that brought me here, the people I had travelled here with, this moment in time, and for the family I was returning to later that afternoon.  We snapped a few photos of this lovely spot and rechecked our GPS for the Owl Cafe…we were a block away.  Imagine a small alley with a four story unmarked building - we see a small owl on the sign and realize we have found it.  We climb to the fourth floor and enter a tiny little cafe with only a few people in it.  We pay for our experience - which includes a matcha latte (my new favorite warm drink) and the feeding and petting of owls! There is a small porch off of the little cafe - multiple owls seemingly just awaiting our arrival.  Or, perhaps they were wondering how and why the hell they are trapped on this porch.  It was a combination of beautiful and creepy; owls can be a sign of death or good luck and there is something quite magical about them.  The soft feathers around their eyes or the top of their head is where they like to be touched; they felt like soft cotton and seemed to enjoy the attention.

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As I look to the left I see a couple sitting on the mats on the floor - (two of the four people in the room).  I take a second glance and think - “isn’t that the blue cheese olive guy from last night?”  This is weird.  Tokyo. American.  Two random places.  The room is TINY (so tiny we are practically sitting on their laps….), so it’s certainly not awkward to ask him the question. We laugh and he says it was them.  We introduce ourselves and discover he is an ophthalmologist from West Palm Beach.  Weird…the next potential indication for the drug that I work with is for a rare disease potentially treated by opthalmologists.  We chat about it a bit - he has heard of my company, says he has been following us and reading about our pipeline, knows about the disease (RARE), the drug, how it works…everything!  He launches into everything he knows about this disease. In fact, he tells us he is an expert in that arena.  Let me explain something here - I work in rare disease - no one EVER knows what I am talking about when I talk about our diseases, the mechanism of action of our drug - all foreign to even the most well educated of doctors.  That is why this is so damn weird.  All of this blows my mind. We are in TOKYO.  I ran into the same person twice at two distinctly different places in different parts of the city. He is teaching me things about this rare disease, and I am dumbfounded.

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We snap a smiling photo of the three of us, feed and hold owls together (a bizarre experience!), and are on our way.  I think about the serendipity of this - I think about the powerful charge of the universe and know that somehow we were brought together because there is probably some patient in West Palm Beach whose life will be impacted as a result of us meeting. I am certain the universe brought us together.  I text the photo to the local rep along with his card - tell her to reach out to him if and when we get the indication because he wants more information.  

When I return home I tell this story to many people; serendipity is fascinating to me. Fast forward a week and it’s the next Saturday night.  I’m at home binge watching the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (best show ever - Amazon prime), and I get a text from the rep in West Palm Beach.  The exact words were something along the lines of HOLY HOLY SHIT…look who is at a table at the wedding I am attending….and it’s a photo of her and the opthalmologist.  In West Palm Beach.  l am literally speechless which doesn’t often happen.  Small world doesn’t even begin to describe it.  They were sitting at the same table, she overhears him say he is an opthalmologist, she looks up and BAM.  The realization and recognition hit her.  You can imagine the tirade of questions she must have asked him.  I’m laughing as I think about this right now.  At the same time, I am overwhelmed with the magic of the universe.  I don’t know what role this guy will play in our lives, but wow - there is no doubt the universe knows.  



GO, EAT, CONNECT

When I feel overwhelmed with emotion, I know it’s time to write.  From the moment I found out about Anthony Bourdain’s death by suicide, I have been unable to shake him from my mind.  I can’t stop watching his interviews or reading his quotes on facebook and Instagram.  I can’t stop thinking about the pain that was obviously so deep and unyielding that he felt entirely hopeless.  I don’t know him.  Obviously.  But I do know depression and mental illness - I’ve seen it in many I love and it is the scariest, hardest to understand, overwhelming disease ever.  It happens regardless of circumstance.  In my mind, Anthony Bourdain had the best job in the world.  He had a partner who loved him.  He had friends.  He was authentically himself.  But the darkness was more powerful than all of this; his internal demons too real.  I won’t even try to understand, because I don’t.  I certainly won’t judge…what the hell do I know? What I do know is the impact he had on so many.  What I do know is that he had a powerful need to connect with humanity.  He seemed to have great empathy and understanding for the similarities and differences in people.  This I do understand.  He had an overwhelming need to travel the world, to TASTE the cultures, to meet the people,  and to write about it.  He has inspired me on so many levels. I have read countless quotes and stories about him in the 24 hours since I learned of his death, and the one that resonates the most with me is 

“If I’m an advocate for anything, it’s to move, as far as you can.  As much as you can.  Across the Ocean.  Or simply across the river.  Walk in someone else’s shoes or at least eat their food.  It’s a plus for everybody.” 

It’s no secret that I love to travel; I think I spend every spare penny (and probably more pennies than I actually have) on travel.  I find the most joy in the people and the food in the places I travel; and I try to capture every last detail and nuance while there and then regurgitate it into my computer so I won’t forget.  In the moment it seems I will never forget, but oftentimes when I record an experience and then go back and read it later, I have already forgotten the details! That’s where you find the love, after all, in the details.  You find the love in the thinly sliced truffle, in the beautiful presentation of a gorgeous meal, in the apt descriptive terms on a menu, in the brilliant crimson red of an edible flower adorning a cheese plate, in the smokiness or saltiness or bitterness or creaminess of a dish prepared with love.  You find the love in a spontaneous conversation with a driver, or a stranger sitting next to you at a community table, or in the people sharing the delight with you.  I love to travel with friends and loved ones, and I love to travel alone; completely different experiences.  “Context and memory play powerful roles in all the truly great meals in one’s life”.  So very true.  I am reminded of the savory mushroom and gruyere crepe from a street vendor when I was alone in Paris, ceviche so fresh I could taste the ocean in Mexico, truffles so delicate and full of earth I can feel them melt in my mouth just thinking about them, pasta made from bright yellow eggs that is perfectly el dente, cheese that is all at once salty and creamy and delightful in Italy.  Fruit so exotic and bright in Hawaii.  The charcuterie boards made by my talented son - both food and art combined with love.  I could make a list miles long.  And with these memories of the food, I remember the PLACE.  THE PEOPLE.  THE EXPERIENCE.  Anthony Bourdain was a master at describing these experiences, at creating these experiences, and at connecting with people and cultures through their food.  His life cut short inspires me to live mine to the fullest, to embrace the people and places and cultures I am fortunate enough to intersect with in this short life I’ve been given.  Each time I travel and eat and experience new people and cultures I will take his advice and embrace it.  CONNECT.  The power of connection through food traverses all politics, cultures,  and lifestyles.  I will be even MORE inspired to write about these experiences from my heart in an authentic eyes wide open way.  Anthony Bourdain, may you rest in peace.  You made the world seem small and approachable, yet exotic and vast all at the same time, you made the similarities and differences between people palpable.  You made me want to GO, EAT, CONNECT, and WRITE.  

As I was writing this, I received an email from Laura at Fattoria di Fugnano.  In my last post, I wrote about my beautiful experience at her vineyard with my friends for my birthday.  It’s one of those places that takes your breath away with its natural beauty, a simple yet elegant vineyard and home,  and the love that goes into the winemaking and farming.  While I was there, I had this fantasy - a vision really - of Zach spending his summer there working in the fields, in the kitchen, with the wine….and somehow, magically, with the power of the universe behind my vision…he is there.  He is having the experience of a lifetime; that intersection of food and place and work.  He is creative and talented and one of the hardest working young adults I have ever met.  In the past couple of years he has grown into this creative culinary talent through various kitchen experiences, and just has that GIFT of creating beautiful food that tastes amazing.  Anyway, Laura sent me a photo of Zach - all dressed up at a wedding in Sicily, and I literally burst into tears; the happiest of tears because he just looks so damn happy.  I never imagined how wonderful it would be to see your children grown, happy, and living out their dreams.  I am so grateful to Laura and Jennifer (the two women who essentially made this happen for Zach), and I can’t wait to see them all next month when I return to Italy for a few days to visit him.   

There is so much world out there to see, so many things to taste and experience, so many connections to be made! 

 I will close with a line from a Brian Andreas poem - “She said she cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life so short”. GO, EAT, CONNECT.  

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Letter to my High School Self

I was on Pinterest this morning and came across a pin for “journal prompts”.  One was- write a letter to your high school self.  Wow.  As I thought about that, and thought about how far I had come, I knew I needed to do this.  My high school self.  She was scared.  She was lonely.  She was afraid of the future and not terribly confident in herself.  Here’s what I would write to her......

Use your voice.  YOU are powerful beyond your beliefs.  You are smart and kind and funny and it does not matter that you are poor.  It doesn’t matter that your mom is mentally ill and struggles with life so much; it's silly to be embarrassed by this.  Everyone is embarrassed by their parents at some point.  Do what you can to love her and others just right where they are in this moment.  

 You don’t need to put on a show.  You don’t need to be anything other than what you are.  Live in your strength.  (Lao Tzu).  I wish I had known about the Tao then.  I wish I had been more well read and more enlightened.  But this is all a part of your path.  The hard work you are learning to do now will pay off in so many ways.  You will find that this work ethic you are developing will take you far and wide.  Get out!  Get out of this small town, out of this state, yet appreciate the grounding it has given you.  Appreciate your wonderful family - the aunts and uncles and cousins, and even your crazy yet lovable mom.  She has given much for you.  

As you look around at your friends or acquaintances, don’t compare yourself to them.  You are walking your own path, they are walking theirs; neither is better or worse or easier or more difficult.  We are all fighting hard battles.  Love everyone in your path.  Accept the differences; no, not accept - WELCOME the differences.  Embrace it all.  You will learn from your mistakes.  You will learn from the differences.  You will encounter situations you can’t even believe.  You will be asked to make decisions with little information, but if you believe in yourself, it will be the right decision.  Even if it hurts. Even if it feels wrong in the moment; it’s your path, it can’t be wrong.

Let go of the boyfriend - he is a crutch.  Meet new people, expand your horizons, don’t be afraid.  I see so many of the decisions you made during that time were fear based - jump hard off that cliff; let the fear surround you and then disappear as you face it head on.  

Don’t be afraid to say what you think and to form your own opinions.  Use YOUR voice, not the voice of others, and don’t take on other’s beliefs as your own.  At the same time, know that other people will believe differently than you.  Accept it.  It’s what makes the world go round.  It’s what makes life interesting.  

OH - and life will be soooooo damn interesting.  Take the chance.  TRAVEL.  Travel big.  Travel a lot.  Travel to the point that people say - wow, how do you travel so much?  Are you ever home?  And on these travels (some solo - some with friends)….meet people.  Ask questions.  Dig deep into what makes other people tick and discover what they feel.  Through understanding and acceptance comes love.  On your travels, take photos, but enjoy the moments.  don’t be so wrapped up in capturing the moment that you miss the moment.  Know that all of these experiences are fleeting yet are building the foundation for who you are.  

Work hard in school.  Learn everything that you can. Listen in class. Take good notes.  Absorb. Try to always look at the big picture…how what you are learning fits into your reality.  Take your grades seriously and reach for the stars.  Don’t settle for what is easy; reach for what is hard.  

Ask for help.  All of the time, ask for help. Don’t be afraid to look dumb.  Don’t think you need to know everything; you should know very little right now, yet be open to learning from those with more experience and wisdom.  Roll ideas around on your tongue and in your brain.  Keep what you like, throw away the rest.  

You are going to grow and change and you will not be the same person next year.  Or the year after.  Or in a decade.  Thank goodness.  So know that whatever you see as truth in this moment WILL change.  

You will love so many people!  But none will be real unless you love YOU first.  You must accept your light and your dark and know that you are fallible and wonderful and kind and mean and beautiful and ugly and just plain human.  You are better than no one, you are worse than no one.  Don’t judge.  Accept.  Mostly accept yourself.  

Make sure when you love, that they are worthy of your love.  Don’t love to just say you’ve been in love.  Love because it’s real.  Love because you see in the other person things that make you feel strong and good. Love because you’re better when you’re loving.  Love should never make you feel insecure or question your own mind and heart.  It shouldn’t feel angry or jealous.  It shouldn’t be scary or painful.  It should feel like calm excitement.  It should feel like you can be YOU.  It should feel like you can shine as bright as you are.   You can show it all.  And when it ends, as it will, you will still be you.  You will still love you.  You won’t be defined by the love or the loss of that love.  But it will have imprinted your soul.   It will be with you always.  It will guide you in the future.  It will set a benchmark of what you want and don’t want, need and don’t need.

Be YOU.  Don’t be what other people want you to be or tell you to be.  Embrace that powerful, wonderful you that is.  Listen to your heart; it will never steer you in the wrong direction.  Your mind, on the other hand, often will steer you wrong.  Overthinking is a killer of the heart.  

Aim big…always.  Do not make yourself small. Do not be afraid to say what you think.  Do not be afraid of your own spirit.  

Keep your mind and your heart OPEN.  Open to every new experience that comes your way.  

Whatever you think you know NOW…will change.  Know that bad feelings are fleeting - don’t be afraid that a sad or bad moment will last forever.   Without these bad moments, you cannot appreciate the love and the good moments.  Ying and Yang.  Many a bad decision based upon a feeling in the moment could be avoided by knowing that the feeling will pass.  But it’s ok - the bad decisions, the good decisions, all of it.  They make up YOU.  They will make up your life experience and make you whole.  Hug yourself every morning.  Tell everyone around you that you love them if you do.  Don’t be afraid to show your emotions. Don’t protect your heart; the protection will hurt it far more than FEELING anything will.  After pain comes healing.  

It will all be ok.  No matter what.  That’s the best advice to my high school self and my current day self.  You will have a life of love and pain and love and friendship and love ahead of you.  People will come and go from your life and have a profound impact upon you.  Every last one of them.  Every person that comes and goes from your life will change you.  Notice them.  The people.  All of them.  Know that even the ones that cause you pain are there to teach you a lesson.  About yourself. About life. About love. About how to live better.   How to love more.  It’s what it’s all about.

March on

January 21, 2017 was an epic day for women.  It was a day when all around the world, people (mostly women, but also the very strong men that support them) walked and talked democracy; the right to peacefully protest. I get goosebumps as I reflect upon the experience.  As I scroll through my camera roll and the pictures of others from all over the world, I am inspired.  I am moved by the coming together of people to make their voices heard;  to unite against the forces of darkness and oppression.  THIS is what democracy looks like.  That was a chant that resonated with me as I marched the streets of Washington, DC with my family and friends and strangers from all over the world.  THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE.  It is beautiful to have the freedom to march, to speak our truth, and to come together in unity.  

The issues dividing us into a two party system have always been the same - big vs small government, corporate power vs the working man/woman, defense spending vs welfare spending - there is no doubt we have all debated these issues at one time or another.  We all have been raised or have experienced life in such a way that we feel aligned with a particular “side” with regard to these policies/ideologies.  What I experienced in Washington was something different.  It wasn’t about policies or laws, it was about something much bigger.  It was about screaming as loudly as our voices could be heard - THIS DOES NOT FEEL RIGHT.  THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ME. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT FOR OUR COUNTRY.  When I think about the America I love, it is a nation of acceptance - it is a nation that opens its doors and welcomes people of all races and religions and colors - it is a nation that welcomes with open arms the tired, the hungry, the downtrodden, the poor.  We are ALL the children of immigrants.  Immigrants are what make our beautiful nation what it IS.  We are not about EXclusion, we are about INclusion.  We are a country of the people, by the people, for the people.  

Never before have people (women especially) felt so marginalized by the President of the United States.  I realize this is my opinion, but there are obviously many many women who feel this way (hence the marches all over the world).  Never before have people felt the need to board planes and trains and cars to meet in a city center to make their voices heard.  This was history in the making.  This was women saying - we are mortified that in the year 2017 we STILL have to protest against inequality. We still have to hear the phrase “grab em by the pussy” NOT from just any man (we’ve been dealing with this our whole lives), but from our LEADER.  I can’t understand why anyone with a heart or a brain does not understand the outrage we feel.  

My first experience in business involved men acting like women were theirs for the taking.  This was in the year 1992.  I worked for a company that later lost the largest sexual harassment lawsuit in the history of sexual harassment lawsuits. The company made the cover of Business Week for these practices. I can tell you, as a 24 year old girl from Kansas at that time, I was in shock.  I can remember being at dinners where the president of the company would grab a woman casually as she walked by, would invite women to private “cocktail parties” before the event, and would act as if any woman there was his for the taking.  There were tales of trips to brothels on the awards trips, there were no women in upper management, and there was just a pervasive vibe of white male dominance.  THIS was my first experience in the working world.  I’d like to say things have improved dramatically in my 25 years of working, and there has certainly been movement in the right direction; but not without a fight - not without women standing up and saying “I deserve to be treated equally”.   But I, and I think all the people that showed up yesterday to march, realize that we haven’t come very far.  The fact that a man like Donald Trump can say the things he has said and still get elected is beyond belief.  

I didn’t intend for this to be any type of political post as I sat down to write, but it’s impossible to ignore the sexist, racist, misogynistic overtones that caused us to rally and march together yesterday.  What I want to write about even more, however, is the beautiful, peaceful spirit that I felt during this march, IN SPITE OF the frustration and anger that we, as women, often feel.  As I set out to DC, I had people ask me if I was scared or worried about riots, etc.  My answer was a resounding no.  While none of us knew what to expect in terms of crowds or logistics or organization, I knew on some level that there was nothing to fear.  Why did I feel this way?  Because it was a rally of hundreds of thousands of WOMEN.  Had this been a rally of hundreds of thousands of MEN, I would have been terrified.  That, in and of itself, says something.  I could guarantee that in a group of that many men, I and every woman there, would have been assaulted with words or hands.  THIS is why we march.  We march to make the statement that my body is mine, that my brain is more important than my breast size, and that I am tired of being defined by my sex rather than my character as a human being or what I have to offer to the world.  I’m not trying to be a man basher either; I love men.  I love my sons, and I have had some wonderful men in my life.  I don’t want this to sound inflammatory to the men I respect, so I asked a few men for their opinions on this subject.  There was a resounding answer that half a million men are far more intimidating than half a million women.  The women that came together for this march were LOUD, but were LOUD with LOVE and the hope that we can make things better for all of us.  

I was lucky enough to attend this march with some of my very favorite women and my daughter and my son.  I think we would all agree that the overwhelming theme of the march was LOVE.  Women and men coming together in the name of inclusion, in the name of equality, in the name of protecting the rights we have fought for in the past and in the name of the ones we feel may be threatened moving forward.  There was laughter and tears, there were jokes and smiles and hugs as women interacted with one another.  There was a knowing, an understanding, that we are all in this together and we will continue to move toward equality for all.  There were signs that expressed hope and anger and fear and humor - and I loved reading them.  

I stayed at my friend’s house for this experience.  Thank you Christy and Mark for the amazing hospitality.  I was fortunate to meet Christy’s dad during this experience - her dad is a life long republican, a political theory expert, and served in the Reagan administration.  HE and his wife marched in the march.  I have friends who have said “what was that march even about?”, and “I don’t feel like I’ve lost any rights”.   Christy’s dad, who has lived longer than we have, who has seen administrations come and go, and who has spent his life studying political theory, made the beautiful point - “you don’t march AFTER you’ve lost the rights; you stand up when you feel your rights are being threatened”.  Five million people around the world recognized that what we are hearing from the current administration is threatening.  The potential fallout from some of the policies can and will be devastating not just to our country but to the world if they come to fruition.  I cannot stand behind someone who builds walls andthreatens women’s and minorities’ rights and speaks in tweets and “grabs em by the pussy”.  This is why I marched.  

I’ve never before considered myself a feminist.  This election has forced me to be one.  The America I want to see and be a part of requires me to stand up and say what I believe.  If nothing else, this election has awoken us all to the fact that our freedoms are not free and that it is our job to fight to maintain them.    In the words of Maya Angelou - “Each time a woman stands up for herself  - without knowing it, possibly without claiming it, she stands up for all women.”   

Spontaneous Joy

 

 

Tulum, Mexico….the magic of the Mayan heritage, the turquoise water, the mango and papaya, the limey ceviche, the salt, the sand, the clear cool cenotes, the mojitos, the sunrise…..all things I expected on this trip.  I think I’m going to dream about that ceviche every day until I’m back here again.  

When my friend Jenny proposed the idea of Tulum for a few days before Christmas, I jumped at the chance.  2016 was a challenging year, and I had decided I was going to make it better by traveling as often as I could.  Shared custody of my sweet Wilson around Christmas makes me sad when I don’t have him those days leading up to Christmas, so it seemed an ideal time to have a little getaway.   We only had a few days to spend away…we commenced to finding a good spot to stay.  I typically stay in air Bnb rental houses or apartments - an amazing local experience, but this time a “retreat” of sorts seemed in order.  After perusing the internet (how DID people travel before the internet) for hours on end, we came up with what seemed like an ideal spot… Amansala Eco Chic Resort…. beachfront, a bit rustic, and lots of yoga and meditation and all those groovy things one likes to do in a place like Tulum.  

We arrived into a bustling Cancun airport, made our way to our prepaid transport and began the 80 minute ride to Tulum.  Mexico is such an interesting place; all at once messy and dirty and gorgeous and warm and friendly.  The Mexican people are some of the loveliest funniest kindest people I have ever met. The car ride was the last air conditioning we would experience for a few days, although it wasn’t really necessary as Tulum is blessed with strong ocean breezes that provide relief from the hot sun.  

We were greeted at the door by two old yellow labs and a tiny dog named Noodles.  I had never really seen “beach dogs” before, but their antics provided great entertainment as they would burrow their bodies into the cool sand for relief from the heat.  We were escorted to our rooms- mine on the 2nd floor, Jenny’s on the 3rd…with thatched roof balconies overlooking the ever changing colorful surf.  I love that feeling of arriving in a new place and wanting to do everything immediately; not wanting to waste a second, yet also wanting to get into that deep place of relaxation away from the hustle and chaos and stimulation of the real world.  I had an easier time than usual of “disconnecting” because my cell service was spotty at best.  Thank you AT&T.

Amansala is hard to desribe; it’s rustic yet luxurious all at once.  The rooms are dimly lit, mosquito nets covering the bed, stucco walls and floors, open air shower, complete simplicity.  There is no phone or tv….why would you need it?  If you needed anything from the front desk, you simply wrote your request on a sheet of paper in the main restaurant/ spa reception area.  There is coffee waiting at 6 am…there is sunrise at 7.  Meditation at 7, yoga at 8:30.  My spirit is rejuvenated in ways I couldn’t imagine.  The package I bought included two massages - one a Mayan healing rejuvenateion treatment….this was an experience I can barely wrap words around.  

When we booked the package, there were several options; one was “bikini bootcamp” (single men should make the trek here for this one…….) it lasted a week, so it wasn’t an option for us.  We only had four days.  The program consists of several hours a day of workouts, both gentle and tough, yoga, meditation, nutrition advice, healthy meals and excursions to some of the local attractions like the Mayan ruins and the grand cenote.  We didn’t have to do all the grueling exercise…we could pick and choose what we wanted in an “ala carte” fashion and balance it with mojitos and gentle walks on the beach.  So - bikini bootcamp - I was picturing twenty somethings with rock hard bodies juxtaposed with my nearly 50 year old mildly chubby self….fortunately, this wasn’t the case.  This was a group of badass women, traveling alone, all ages, all shapes and sizes, from all over the world.  There was one guy (smart man!), Craig, who quickly became “one of the girls” and probably heard more than he wanted to about the inner workings of the female mind.  I am again amazed at the strength and beauty and courage of women.  Women of our mother’s generation wouldn’t have dreamed of setting out on a trip alone - one girl coined it her yearly “alone moon”.  I love that.  These women were mostly single, no children, careers of all types.  But there were some of us previously married, divorced, kids, etc.   - all confident in the fact they we are enough.  We are “enough” to go on an adventure alone.  I had this experience in Paris earlier this year, and I think I will perpetually take solo vacations moving forward.  I love traveling with friends and loved ones, but there is something almost spiritual about going on a journey by yourself.  

There are so many things I could write about this trip, but there were at least two experiences (maybe three) that were magical.  The first involved a sweat lodge.  You hear the stories of people in the desert dying in sweat lodges, but I was pretty sure this would be safe given the fact that one of our hosts at Amansala said it was the best experience of all that they offer to their guests.  We wore our bathing suits, as instructed….and later (AFTER the experience), Jenny mentioned that my bathing suit bottoms were on inside out the entire time; lol; this is so typical of me.  I’m just not always quite put together right.  I digress.  We entered the small stone hut with a fire pit in the center.  There was a Mayan woman around 60 years old leading the group, and Goyo, a sturdy Mexican man, hauling in the flaming red hot stones to lay in the fire pit one by one.  Every time he entered with one, we welcomed it with a chant that sounded like “aho”.  We went around the room one by one saying why we were there, and the ceremony began.  As the room gradually heated up, we were walked through a series of chants in Spanish and songs in Spanish (or maybe even Mayan).  She would sing them, we would repeat them. I’m pretty sure I only got one of seventeen words right, but it seemed more about the sound than the meaning.   Sometimes she would translate them.  She would take a long reed, dip it in a bucket of water and throw it on the hot stones to transform the room into a sweaty steamy experience.  She then passed a pot of gooey honey around the room and told us to rub it all over our entire bodies.  Honey plus steam equals delightfully soft skin. ( Honey on your bathing suit left on your floor in your room equals ants.  Just sayin’. )

She told us we would be asked to sing a song alone; a scary prospect for a non singer like myself.  I mean, REALLY a non singer.  I would love to be a singer, but my voice just doesn’t seem to follow through for me.  A couple of the people made up songs, and I wracked my brain to come up with a song; harder than you think in the spur of the moment.  Silent Night crossed my mind, Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” came to mind, but the only word I could think of was - you guessed it - hallelujah; didn’t seem like enough.  The Beatles’ song Blackbird is what ultimately sprang forth and even though it was off tune and shaky, it felt kind of good to just belt it out.  The acoustics in the stone hut were amazing.  There was a small beautiful woman that began to sing and it was like an angel was in the room.  I was confident she must be a professional singer; I mean, she sounded like Whitney Houston meets Norah Jones.  Spectacularly beautiful.  I think that was my first experience with the spontaneous joy - letting my own voice loose, followed by hers literally shaking the stone walls.  The sweating and chanting and singing brought about a deep relaxation, and we left feeling grateful and connected.  

This was followed by some lovely white wine and delicious simple Mexican tacos and an early night in bed.  The next morning I had committed to a yoga class.  Many of the “boot campers” had decided not to do the yoga that day as Darlene, the teacher, had announced she was doing a special type of class which consisted of 108 Sun Salutations.  The Sun Salutation is a series of several moves done without stopping, a “flow”.  Honestly, three or four of them feel like enough.  So, the thought of 108 in a row without stopping did seem rather challenging.  I love a good challenge, however, and she assured us that the process and the end result would be amazing.  She wasn’t kidding.  First, the room was upstairs in the main building of Amansala with panoramic windows overlooking the gorgeous turquoise sea with the sun on the horizon.  The windows were all open, the sound of the ocean was loud and peaceful and the breeze strong.  It was a warm morning, and I could feel myself start to sweat (which, according to what I learned at the sweat lodge, means you are praying….sweat is a form of prayer). Being the sweaty person that I am, I took comfort in this; I’m pretty much constantly praying!

She started her playlist for the series, and I knew immediately that I would love it.  Some of the most beautiful music ever.  It’s on my Spotify playlist if anyone wants to follow it - Saturday Sunset Session.  There were only four of us taking the class, and as we began to move through the poses, I could feel my body and mind fighting with me that I would never make it through 108.  We did 8 sets of 12 - each set focused on a different chakra and concentration on this chakra.  There was something about the repetitive moves coupled with thesweating and music….it all just flowed effortlessly at some point.  About halfway through I had to turn my mat over; so much sweat that my hands couldn’t connect with the mat anymore - slip sliding away.  I began to let go, my body took over and went through the motions with less effort and certainly less thought.  As one song transitioned to the next, my mind also let go.  I stopped thinking.  I was just in the moment (how often does THAT happen anymore?), moving, sweating, and letting go.  I began to feel a swelling in my heart, I felt a connection to the others in the room, and something I can’t call anything other than spontaneous joy.  My mouth just started smiling.  I took in the view, felt the power of my breath and my body, and was so grateful to be in that place at that moment.  Darlene was right - a transformative experience.  We all talked about it afterward - we all felt it.  As we went downstairs for that beautiful breakfast of papaya and yogurt and homemade granola and chilaquiles, I couldn’t stop talking about it to the others.  I imagine they thought I was drunk or stoned or something - my smile just wouldn’t stop.  In my mind, I committed to doing this series on a regular basis at home, and I will.  Spontaneous Joy.  It is a feeling I will never forget.  

The third experience involved massages two days in a row.  Such luxury.  (it was part of the package)  A Mayan healing treatment involving abdominal massage and full body massage by a Mayan “shaman”…whatever that means.  The guy, Israel, definitely had a spiritual vibe to him.  His English was broken…continually asking me “how you feel”?.  Lol.  I felt pretty good.  He worked wonders on my neck, which, since my surgery, has been my favorite area of focus in a massage.  He seemed to radiate joy too - you know how sometimes you can just feel another person’s spirit?  It was like that.  He was obviously a healer, and I felt healed after he worked his magic.  I felt light and happy and laughed easily afterwards.  Again.  Spontaneous Joy.  As I walked back to outdoor bar area on the beach at Amansala, I just couldn’t stop giggling.  

There were beach walks and ocean swims and delicious food (ceviche and guacamole every meal!)  and laughter with friends old and new.  There was the staff holiday party where we watched the Mexican children swat at a large Piñata while singing and laughing.  There was the smell and sound of the surf from my screen door every night.  There was exploration of the surrounding area, a rainy run on my last morning where I saw so many more things I wanted to do, but had run out of time.  There were lush green palms and plants and sand and beauty everywhere I looked - in the natural world and in the people.  There were Facebook accounts and phone numbers exchanged; connections made and photos exchanged.  

I returned to Atlanta the next day feeling rejuvenated and relaxed and peaceful; ready to take on the busy holiday season and end of year work demands.  I’ve taken several “long weekend” trips this year -I highly recommend them.  Sometimes it seems like too much work or effort, but I swear these trips have just made me better - made me better at my job, at my life, and with coping with all of the change that 2016 brought.  I don’t know if I will ever have another year like this one (with regard to travel), but I am extremely grateful for the ability to travel; the ability to grow and learn more every day about what I want and need from this one short life that I’ve been given.  I know one thing for sure - I will always choose travel over material possessions; the travel experience stays forever and leaves a permanent mark on your soul.  

Connection

I worked a big convention a couple of weeks ago in San Diego - the American Society of Hematology (ASH).  It’s an opportunity for me to connect with my customers, meet new people, hang out with my colleagues, and educate people on an ultra rare disease.  I get to meet physicians, other people who work in my industry, and this time, was fortunate enough to sit down and talk to a patient (and leader of a patient group) with a rare blood disorder.  He did not have the disease that I work with, but a different one.  I don’t know what led him to sit down and talk to me.  I wasn’t really supposed to be sitting, but my feet were hurting, so I briefly took a seat on a high stool.  This man, I will call John, sat down at the table with me to enjoy his coffee.  We struck up a conversation.   I typically speak with physicians at the booth; this guy wasn’t a physician, but he was obviously well versed in medicine which became apparent as soon as he started talking.  He was a smallish man, thin - a runner, I later found out.  

I don’t know why people open up to me, but they do….I’ve been called the “people whisperer”.  I've been working on a book (at least in my mind) about the stories people tell me on airplanes.  I don't know why people open up to me, but I'm grateful for it because I learn a LOT.  This man proceeded to introduce himself to me; we were the only two people at the small high top table.  I quickly learned he was not a physician (although he spoke and looked like one); it turns out he’s an attorney (environmental) and has polycythemia vera which is a condition in the bone marrow where the body produces too many red blood cells (and often too many white blood cells and platelets as well).  He explained the disease to me in detail, which, to most people, may not have been interesting, but I’m a geek like that and love to learn about the body and its craziness.  I read so much about strange diseases that I often wonder to myself how any of us are alive. This disease is treated at least in the early stages by simply donating blood (phlebotomy);  if you have too many red blood cells - you just get rid of them by physically taking them out of your body.  The disease itself makes your blood thick and can make you more likely to have blood clots, a stroke, or a heart attack.  It can also lead to other types of blood cancers over time.  It's mostly manageable and treatable, but still a scary thing to face as a patient.  

He explained all of this in great detail to me and said that while he looks healthy, which he did, he doesn’t always feel strong.  He is a runner and said he knew something was up when he just had a very hard time even getting TO the runs let alone running them.  His doctor was initially not at all concerned; someone not having the energy to complete a long run doesn’t seem abnormal to non runners.  Those of us who have been running all of our lives know what that feels like; we know when something is “off” because we are in tune with our bodies in a different way.  We, like this man, don’t always pay attention to those signals initially, but we KNOW.  He eventually did show up at the doctor and after a few visits, was  diagnosed.  

He’s been managing the disease for quite some time; he told me he hasn’t had a real shower in a very long time because the water causes uncontrollable overwhelming itching all over the body - one of the biggest problems in quality of life with this form of cancer.  I thought about how much I love to take a shower and how awful all of this must be for him.  Just recently, he had a small stroke and wound up in the hospital, signaling that he needed to do something different.  His physician had been wanting him to start on a new drug, a JAK2 inhibitor (this is the pathway in the body that is problematic in this patients).  He had been reluctant; no one wants to expose oneself to potential side effects, etc.  But this recent health crisis pushed him over the edge and he agreed.  As of our discussion, he had been on the drug for one week.  He thought he was feeling a bit better and no real side effects yet.  The real test was to be the shower; would he be able to take one without the extreme itching?  He was going to give it a few more days and try it.  

I’ve condensed this story into a few paragraphs, but our conversation was probably at least thirty minutes at this point.  The booth traffic was slow and there were lots of us there; I was enjoying learning more about this disease and I think it was good for him to talk to someone uninvolved.  Patient advocacy has always interested me.  I’ve learned through my years in this industry just how important it is to advocate for yourself; to do all the research you can to learn every last detail about your disease and potential therapies.  Doctors are amazing, but they can’t possibly know everything about everything, and only the patient really knows exactly how he is feeling.  This guy not only did his own research, but he also heads up a patient group.  Patient groups are amazing and instrumental in making people feel not alone and in providing support to patients and families faced with health crises and the ensuing decision making that comes with these disorders.  

Somehow after we finished discussing his polycythemia vera, we moved on to his law practice and his family, and he proceeded to share that his family came from Germany (I studied in Germany in college, so have an interest obviously).  As I began to listen to him, I started doing the math in my head; he had told me at some point in the conversation that he was Jewish.  I quickly realized that his family must have been in Germany in WWII, and sure enough he told me his grandmother was a Holocaust survivor and his grandfather had died in the Holocaust.  I had the thought that I would not be having this discussion right now had his parents not made it out (as children they were transported out of the country in time to save their lives.)  He said his grandmother talked about it, but not in great detail.   The story of his grandfather was a sad one.  At the end of the war, just before the concentration camps were liberated, the Germans made a last ditch effort to march the “workers” (aka concentration camp prisoners) to another country (I can’t remember which he told me) where Hitler planned to move these near death prisoners to start over in new camps.  During this march, many of them died or were shot.  His grandfather was one of these.   

Sometime after the war, a pastor in this small town took it upon himself to properly bury and identify those who were killed in this death march.  John’s family was notified that his grandfather had been identified.  There had been some letters and other information passed down through other people that had pointed toward this as being the grandfather’s fate, but here was the proof that the family needed to really KNOW what had happened.  This was a tragic story, a tragic family history.  He took a deep breath at the end of his story and looked at me and said, “I don’t know what your political beliefs are, I don’t know what you feel about our current world situation….but I do know that Hitler was elected by the people.  He was elected by the disenchanted, disenfranchised electorate; by the people who wanted a “change” from the status quo.  I assured him we were of the same political leanings, and I haven’t stopped thinking about our conversation since.

 I guess because of my time in Germany, I have always been drawn to learning more about this dark time in our world’s history.   I still can’t wrap my head around how, in the 20th century, this could happen.  I do know that people must learn from mistakes; that we must examine what the underlying cause of such hatred might be; that we explore “how did we get to that point” and “why did no one stop it”?   In my mind, the underlying cause of all of it was the feeling of being “separate” and “different” and needing to label and undermine that which is different from us.  We still do it; I see it (and probably do it) all the time - men and women, black and white, Muslim and Christian, poor and rich, Hillary and Trump supporters.  

At the end of the day, we are all human beings.  We all have a body and a mind and a soul (that, if we are lucky, are working and healthy).  We all have red blood cells and white blood cells and platelets.  We all have parents and children and friends.  We all want the same thing; to love and to be loved.  It all starts with us.  As I think upon the story this man shared with me and I think upon my role in this world, I realize that we all, as individuals, have just one job and that is to NOT make ourselves separate.  We need to realize that each of us plays a part; each of us has the ability to touch another life or even just to listen to another human being’s story.  We are all in this together and it is our job to bridge the gaps and reach out to those who seem, on the surface, different from us.  

I may not change global politics, but I am able to listen to someone else.  I am able to listen with my heart and put away stereotypes and connect with another human being.  I am able to reach out to someone of a different religion or race or sex and recognize that we are all part of the same whole, embracing our differences and knowing that it is this type of melting pot of humanity that is the foundation of our country.  It is only through love and the acceptance of differences that we can all coexist and THRIVE.   As I was thinking of how to end my little story, I distracted myself by scrolling through Facebook briefly.  The very first thing that popped up was a holiday card that someone had posted.  It is a cute picture of a husband and a wife and a baby and said in big red letters in all caps….. THIS CHRISTMAS SEASON WE WOULD LIKE TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT JESUS WAS A MIDDLE EASTERN REFUGEE.   I am a hodgepodge of Irish and English and German and Kansan and female and have had no money and have had some money and have been married and divorced and work for the pharmaceutical industry but am liberal and was once conservative and I'm a mom and a friend and a proud United States of American citizen..... we are all many many many things, but mostly we are all human beings.  

I think that says it all.  We are all connected. 

Out of the Mouths of Babes

I woke up this morning thinking about the experience I had last night with Emily and Wilson.  There’s a tiny venue in Grant Park that is known through a word of mouth/Facebook group of people - it’s called Grocery on Home.  The guy that runs it brings in musicians to give intimate performances to a small audience of music lovers.  I’ve been to a couple of shows there, and had long heard about Lonnie Holley through my Facebook connection with Grocery On Home.  

Lonnie Holley is a 66 year old African American musician and artist from Birmingham, AL.  Wikipedia has this to say about him:

Lonnie Bradley Holley, sometimes known as The Sand Man, is an African-American artist and art educator. He was born the 7th of 27 children, and claims to have been traded for a bottle of whiskey when he was four.  Follow this link to a great story about him in the NY Times.

We walked in early to the Grocery, wanting to get a good comfortable seat on one of the cozy couches facing the stage (knowing that the 9 year old might not be awake for long!), and we were able to shake hands and receive a warm greeting from Mr. Holley himself.  His big black hands embraced Wilson’s tiny freckled ones in a powerful grip.  Later Wilson commented - “did you see how big his hands were??”  I had noticed and thought about the experiences those hands and that man must have had thus far in his life.  

Bill and Matt Arnett, who have been instrumental in promoting and developing Lonnie Holley’s unique music and art, spoke about Mr. Holley for a few minutes before the show.  Their love and respect for this man are obvious, and his artwork and music are like nothing I have ever experienced.  Bill Arnett, in the aforementioned NY Times article, is quoted as saying, 

“He was actually the catalyst that started me on a much deeper search,” Arnett says, adding bluntly that “if Lonnie had been living in the East Village 30 years ago and been white, he’d be famous by now.”

In terms of his music, I texted a friend after the show and describe it as “spoken word meets music meets otherworld-like keyboards meets a 65 year old deep south African American man” .  

The NY Times article describes Mr. Holley's musical performance as:

“In terms of genre, Holley’s music is largely unclassifiable: haunting vocals accompanied by rudimentary keyboard effects, progressing without any traditional song structure — no choruses, chord changes or consistent melody whatsoever.”

The NY Times probably described it best, but what both of our descriptions left out was just the palpable spirit of this man. As we listened to his unique blend of improvisational music (I got the feeling he was making it up as it came across his lips; Matt had said at the beginning that he never sang the same song twice…I could see that in this performance), I thought about his life.  I thought about the life of a man born 7th of 27th children.  I thought about the bravery and inspiration it must have taken to do what he has done with his music and art.  They say that if you are meant to make music or art or write - you just can’t stop it.  It has to come out. I can see this in him.  I thought of the battles he has fought, the mountains he has climbed to be here - making music and art and reminding us of what is good in this world.  

On this Thanksgiving morning, in the wake of much angst in our world, I am grateful that there is art and music and creativity, and that no one can ever take this away.  Laws can be passed, opinions can be spewed out like venom, sides can be taken, lines in the sand can be drawn.   The human spirit is so resilient, and it is the beauty of art in all its forms that will prevail.  In the face of art and music, hatred cannot survive; only love. 

I’m no music or art connoisseur, but I do connect with people in an intuitive way and I could feel Lonnie Holley’s huge spirit.  I could feel the impact he had on his audience.  I honestly couldn’t even say I “loved” his music - it’s different, it’s unexpected…but it did touch me.  The man himself touched me.  Wilson, in all of his nine year old wisdom, summed it up perfectly.  He said, “he seems like a man that relies upon God”.  I woke up meditating on that thought this morning.  Emily and I laughed when Wilson said that - not because we thought it was funny, but because it was not what you expect to come out of a nine year old’s mouth.   We were taken aback because he was SPOT ON.  That is exactly the feeling I had.  We are not a particularly religious family, we don’t even talk about God that often, but I have always said that through my trials and tribulations and joys in life, I have always known God is right there with me.  I rely upon God.  I’m pretty sure Lonnie Holley relies upon God.  Our Gods may be different - but there are millions of people in our world looking to their God for comfort and security.  Through art and music and the written or spoken word, God is there.

I have so much to be thankful for - Lonnie Holley exemplifies the spirit that results in the creation of art and music - two things that are at the top of my gratitude list today.   What can we do to make this world a better, more loving place?  Create something beautiful - a song, a painting, a tune, a story, a cookie! Create it with love and that spirit will prevail in our world.  

 

He seems like a man that relies upon God.  Out of the mouths of babes.  

Just 4 Days in Paris

 

I will never be the same after this trip; my first solo journey anywhere. This was a trip with no agenda - just an answer to the wanderlust I had been feeling so strongly.  I debated multiple places to go and recalled a conversation I had had at a bar with a stranger recently.  As I sat there waiting for my friend to join me, this guy struck up a conversation with me and asked me what my “perfect date” would be….I laughed and said…well, either a picnic in a beautiful park on a spectacular day, or a surprise trip to Paris.  I think my answer even surprised me.  I hadn’t realized just how much I was longing for Paris.  It had been many many years since I’d been there, and subconsciously, that beautiful city was calling my name.  

I had a five day period where I could travel - I considered San Francisco (always a wonderful choice), but the friend I would like to see there had other plans out of town AND I had JUST been there.  I started looking at other destinations - Costa Rica, Hawaii, Spain….and I just kept coming back to Paris.  I realized I needed desperately to take myself on my dream date to Paris.   Why on earth would I wait around for someone else to take me?  I am perfectly capable of going alone and experiencing Paris on my own terms.  I’ve realized just how wonderfully empowering that is; I can set my own agenda.  I’ve been married or in a relationship and a mom for most of my adult life; which is wonderful.  It also means that most of the time I have set aside my own needs for those of others and have made a lot of compromises.  I suddenly found myself in a position to just GO.  How liberating! 

So, I perused airbnb for days on end until I found JUST the perfect apartment in just the right location.  I thought of one of my running partners who has fantasies of just having her own apartment (she adores her husband and kids) to sit in a read and do whatever she wants.  She has gone so far as to describe just what it would be like; the soft lighting, the cozy space.  THIS is exactly what I found.  The apartment was even better in person; exposed stone walls with wooden beams on the ceiling, yet modern comfortable furniture and a comfortable bed with soft linens.   It was a tiny place with tall windows that overlooked the quintessential French neighborhood.  I could hear the street traffic and the sounds of Paris below.  The apartment building had a large blue front door and a secret little courtyard filled with light and plants inside.  The curved staircase up to the 2nd floor was made of beautiful wood and stone.  I write this because I want to remember every little detail of this place.  I smiled every time I put the key in the lock.  I filled the place with Parisian cafe music, light jazz, or one of my favorite spotify playlists.  I wrote and read and drank coffee or wine depending on the time of day.  I stretched out on the sofa and plotted my day/night ahead.  There are so many wonderful things to do in Paris.  I had a million recommendations from friends as to restaurants and museums, etc.  But I mostly wandered.  I walked the streets for miles.  I ran to the Eiffel Tower, climbed to the top, and walked back.  Then a nap.  I ducked into cozy restaurants (never making it to the reservations I had made…..the problem with that is the rest of your day needs to be timed around that).  I wanted to just BE.  I had amazing food and wine and met new friends at every stop.  My favorite meal was a delicious crepe and a little stand in La Marais (what an adorable area!) - a savory crepe filled with ham and mushrooms and olives and the most delicious cheese I’ve ever eaten.  I think I was starving at that point.  The time change had me on a strange eating clock; and it was well beyond time for food.  The finest restaurant in Paris couldn’t have made me happier at that moment.  

There were a couple of planned events.  Air BnB (I may sound like a commercial for them I like the experience so much) is in the process of launching a new “brand” - air BnB “experiences”.  Because I use them so much when I travel, I was invited to participate in this before it was officially launched to the public.  The basic premise is, you visit a new city, you rent an apartment or home or room, and you can sign up for “experiences” with locals - cooking classes, street art tours, wine tastings, hikes, etc……all put on by local people in their homes or places of business or whatever.  It is an incredible concept.  I had planned my trip so last minute that nearly all of them were full, but I was able to get into one - Annie’s Cooking - to learn how to shop and prepare a simple French dish.  I couldn’t have asked for a better experience!  The others in the class all worked for airBnb and were LOVELY people.  I so enjoyed them all.  Annie is French, obviously, has written numerous cookbooks and is famous for her “frites”.  Her apartment is small and perfect and has a secret rooftop deck with a tremendous view to Sacre Couer - my favorite place in Paris!  I couldn’t believe my luck.  Well, actually I could, because I often say I am the luckiest person in the world.  I believe this with all my heart; amazing experiences and people seem to enter my life as if planned; orchestrated by a higher power trying to give me the most amazing life.  I am so grateful for this.  

After the cooking class, I walked up to Sacre Couer in Montmartre.  There was live music at the base of the steps,  the man singing would invite people from the audience to join him.  It was off tune and on tune and beautiful.  There were people of every race and color and religion and ethnicity singing “Stand By Me” and “Wish You Were Here”.  It was if all of humanity was gathered in front of this grand cathedral under a piercing blue sky and a bright sun to remind us we are one;  to remind us that we all love music and art and architecture and bright sun and a chilly breeze and a warm scarf.  

I could not imagine what was waiting for me at the top of Sacre Couer.  As I climbed the tight curving staircase to the top - a long climb; I was grateful I wasn’t temporarily “paralyzed” like I was last year in Berlin - I felt strong and good.  I felt an immense feeling of gratitude for that strength.   The view from the top was enormous.  The view was spectacular.  The weather was changing by the moment, the sun was starting to set, and as I worked my way around to the side from which I could see the Eiffel Tower, the sun came through the clouds and covered it in a glorious gold and orange light.  I snapped picture after picture, alternating between my phone and my real camera.  A kind man fixed the settings on my camera which I had somehow messed up (I should learn how to use that thing!)  I had strangers take my photo so I could remember just how I felt at this moment.  I stayed there for a very long time watching the sun descend and the rain move in.  I could hear the music gently playing below and then the church bells started ringing.  The mass I had walked through earlier to get to the top was now over.  I had sat briefly in the sanctuary before my climb listening to the beautiful French service, catching bits and pieces.  I’m not Catholic, but love the new pope and I have a great respect for the formality and beauty of a Catholic service.  I remember being touched by it as a 20 something in the south of France on my journeys a million years ago.  Being inside this sanctuary felt warm and welcoming; I could feel the presence of God and humanity all around me.  

There are little and big moments to remember.   The Donavan Frankenreiter concert at Cafe de la Danse; a perfect tiny little Parisian venue was better than I could have imagined.  The night was rainy, I had been walking around in rain for hours, hadn’t eaten much, had a few glasses of my favorite earthy, “tastes like dirt and smells like a bandaid” red wine, and throughly enjoyed the music and the company of strangers.  I was fortunate to meet Donavan backstage afterwards - there weren’t many people there from the US, so they let me back for a photo and a brief conversation.  I will certainly see him perform again when I have the opportunity.  He had two children about Wilson’s age come on stage to sing with him which was adorable.  “If it don’t matter to you, it don’t matter to me” was an amazing tune and the whole audience was singing and clapping.  There’s just nothing like the live music experience.  

On my last morning in Paris, I forced myself out of bed early enough to go for a run.  The rest of the time I had still been on US time - going to sleep around 4 am, sleeping until 10 or 11 (totally not my style).  I put on warm clothes (about 46 degrees) and headed off toward the Eiffel Tower - about 4 miles away.  I ran along the Seine, I crossed the bridge covered in locks symbolizing the commitment and dreams of lovers who had been there before me, and the glorious blue sky shimmered above me.  I thanked God for the strength of my legs; I am just NOW feeling strong and capable of running any distance post surgery (11 months ago!).  I felt the strength of my lungs and the pounding of my heart and took in the scenery and the people.  The women in Paris are so beautiful!  The art and sculpture and architecture are like nowhere else in the world!   The smell of the street vendors - the chestnuts, the crepes, the coffee were so pleasing to my senses.   I crossed a large road race and realized it was “Ekiden” - the marathon relay.  I ran with them awhile and then went my own way, only to realize by the time I reached the Eiffel Tower, that was the finish line for the race.  I was sweating and the chill in the air as I climbed the stairs to the top of the tower made me shiver.  As I reached the highest point to which I could climb I could see the runners finishing the race, I could see Sacre Couer in the distance, I could hear the beautiful French language all around me, and I could see for miles and miles - the beautiful changing leaves, the parks, the buildings, the people.  I was exhilarated and simultaneously exhausted from the run and walk up so many stairs.  I headed back down and back toward my apartment for the hot shower I was craving.  My legs were a fabulous kind of tired, my heart full.  

The rest of my journey was filled with small moments like the delicious taste of chocolate croissants and brightly colored French Macarons.  French onion soup, beautiful street performers in the subway and in small alley ways, street art, and pleasant interactions with people who took pity on my French as I made the “international hand signal” for whatever it was I was looking for…..I really need to learn French.  

I am lucky.  I am so grateful.  I saw many immigrant families on the street as I wandered the streets of Paris.  I gave away many 20 euro bills and wished I could do more.  Why is my life, simply because I was born where I was, comparatively so easy?  I want to be grateful every. single. day.  I want the next President, who will be elected today, to be open to immigration, not to building a wall.  I want more people to have the opportunities I have had.  I want the inequality to be less.  I want our world to be a reflection of the time I had in Paris - the city of light and love.  I don’t want this to be a political musing, but I do want to make note of the fact that I am aware of and grateful for the advantages I have.   Paris - I miss you already and will return soon…..

LIVE

I had an early morning appointment the other day; I work in medical sales and had to educate a group of nurses on the rare disease I work with at 7:30 am.  The meeting was in a suburb about 45 minutes away.  I’m a morning person, so I don’t mind the early appointments, but the traffic was thick , I felt sleepy , and I was dragging a bit from staying up too late the night before.

I arrived in plenty of time, parked, carried all of my materials inside,  and wished I was wearing more comfortable shoes.  The disease I work with isn’t cancer, but cancer specialists are the MDs that treat it, so my meeting was in a large community cancer clinic.  I was a bit early, so the conference room was still locked.  As I waited by the door, I had a little lesson in humanity, and a big reminder to be grateful EVERY SECOND for feeling good and healthy.  

As we are inundated by political posts, by negativity and nastiness and name calling (the N words are never good), as we wring our hands over the future of our nation, as we dramatize emails and hairstyles and the ridiculous reality show that has become our presidential election of 2016, there are people just trying to SURVIVE.  They are just trying to make it from the parking garage to the doctor’s office.  They are just trying to have a day where they get up and feel well enough to hug their kids and maybe keep their breakfast down.  

We get so wrapped up in the details of our own little lives - the soccer practices, the school curriculum debates, the household chores, our worries about paying too much in taxes, the issues at work or in our neighborhoods,  that sometimes we forget to look around.  Sometimes we forget that everyone IS fighting a hard battle.  

I watched as a woman in her mid 50’s slowly walked to the elevator (the elevators don’t open until 7:45); when she reached the elevator, only to realize it wasn’t working yet, I saw her face crumple in despair.  Her words were - “I just can’t go any more steps”.  Two men standing nearby rushed to her side (I am reminded of Mr Rogers - “look for the helpers”) and helped her into a wheelchair.  You could see the fatigue in her face, in her body language.  We take our strength for granted until it is absent.  

Just a minute later I witnessed an elderly man and wife shuffling down the same hallway.  I overheard his words of comfort to her that “it was going to be ok”.  I saw a man who looked totally ashen express that he had just gotten some bad news and was here for a second opinion.  I saw a young vibrant nurse gently take the arm of a young person as he navigated the long hallway toward the chemo room.  

I had my meeting, I thought about the lives that healthcare workers impact every day, and I thought about how fortunate we are to be healthy and alive and to live in a place where we can get good healthcare and where there are treatments for devastating diseases.  There aren’t treatments for all of them though.  There are people suffering all around us; fighting a battle we know nothing about. I don’t even really know the point of what I’m writing about other than the importance of being aware.  I want to be conscious of the suffering of others, I want to be present for people who need help or love, and I want to be grateful for every day that I feel good and strong and capable.  

As I was leaving my meeting, I was sitting on a bench inputting some information in my computer.  I was just finishing up when a Muslim couple entered and looked around for somewhere to sit.  The husband was obviously ill and the wife was softly speaking to him as they looked around the room with anxiety.  I jumped up from my seat so they could sit and he said “oh no no no - you sit, you sit”.  I insisted I was finishing up and just leaving and to please, take my seat.  I watched him lower himself onto the bench and let out a big breath.  It was obvious he needed to sit, it was obvious he was in pain, and it was obvious he was scared.  I said a little prayer for him and his wife as I left. I thought about the questions, the anxiety, the decisions, the fear that people face when they are ill.  I thought about the fact that the people I've been describing were old and young and white and black and brown and Christian and Muslim and who knows what else.  None of that matters, does it?  We all get one body, we all get a genetic code that may go haywire, we all are susceptible to diseases and pain.  We are all the same.  We all just want to live and love and be loved.  

I thought about just how much we all take for granted each and every day.  It made me remember to be conscious.  It made me remember that life is fleeting, health can be fleeting; we are all fighting hard battles - some of them harder than others.  Give thanks today if you feel good; there are many who don’t.  Revel in your strength - use it to help someone, use it to hug someone, use it to live like today could be your last.  Life can be brutal, life can be beautiful….embrace it every step of the way.  Don’t forget to LIVE.   

We all Need Each Other

I love the morning time.  The 5:30 am time when no one is awake.  When I can sit outside on the porch with my soft hanging lights and candles glowing and drink my coffee and ponder life.  The time when I can read or pray or write and no one interrupts.  The time where I can think about the day to come and plan a course of action.  The time when I can just stop.  And listen to the crickets and cicadas and other strange creature noises.  There’s not enough of this time in our ever busy world full of schedules and alarms and reminders and meetings and to do lists.  I love the feel of a deep belly breath.  The breath is so powerful when we take time to come back to it.

Damn I am grateful.  I’m grateful for my independence.  I’m grateful for my health.  I’m grateful for so many wonderful people in my world.  I’m grateful for what lies ahead.  I’m grateful I can open my house to friends needing an oasis from the storm.  I’m grateful people feel comfortable to show up at my front door with a bottle of wine and a story to tell.  I’m grateful for options in life.  I’m grateful for hot coffee.  I’m grateful for people who help me with things I can’t do on my own (like change the water filter in my refrigerator or look for squirrels in my attic!)   I’m grateful for hugs from my dog; she’s a lean in sort of girl.  I’m grateful I can do what I want, go where I want, see who I want.  I’m grateful for my strength.  And my softness.  I’m grateful my heart is still gentle after being damaged.  I’m grateful the universe continues to take care of me.  I’m grateful for new people entering my life every day; everyone has something to add.  I’m grateful I am embracing my life just as it is.  In this moment.  Right now.    

In every day lies an opportunity to connect, to love, to embrace, to empower someone else.  Which, in turn, empowers me.  I feel abundantly loved at this point in time; and just a few weeks ago I felt abandoned and angry and alone.  It all changed when my mindset changed.  When i let go and stopped trying to “manage” things.  Everything happens exactly as it is supposed to.  It’s hard to remember this in the throes of anxiety or disappointment or grief.  Control really is an illusion.  Resistance really is futile.  Life really is full of ups and downs and mostly goodness.  How fortunate I am to be able to say this!  In spite of setbacks I may have encountered, I am fortunate beyond measure.   

I have so many really incredible people in my life.  I think of the love and support I have gotten from them, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude.  I think of the stories and laughter and tears that have been shared with my people over the years.  Where would I be without them? I sometimes beat myself up over not being able to sustain a successful marriage. But then I think of all the wonderful relationships/friendships I HAVE been able to sustain….and I am at peace with it all.  We all need each other. (Leo Buscaglia)  It’s one of my favorite cookielove quotes.  

 

STARS

It’s been awhile since I’ve written in cookielove.  There’s been a lot going on, I guess.  I feel like I’m much more inspired to write when I’m happy, so it’s a good sign that I’m here.  The last few months have been a roller coaster of emotion.  I’m not going to write all the details because much of what has impacted me during this time was caused by another’s actions.   Suffice it to say I have felt a combination of betrayal and anger and surprise and worry and fury and sadness…..all things I never thought I would feel as a result of this person’s actions.  You never think the person you love the most can cause you such pain…but in reality, who else really could?  

I, however, am responsible for my OWN feelings and reactions….and I did not handle all of this with the best part of me - the part that is full of grace and love.  Who knows how you will react to really really bad news?  I know that as I have sat with it and have gone through the life changes that resulted from it, I’ve realized some important things about love.  I’ve realized just how DAMN important it is to love yourself.  Without that love, a relationship cannot exist; it will not stand the test of time and hardship.  I’ve gotten much better about loving myself over the years; in fact, it was my partner that helped me to get there.  For that I am grateful.  But it takes BOTH people loving themselves, knowing themselves, and practicing good self care to maintain both a sense of self and a sense of partnership.  

I had a close friend send me the above diagram on the stages of grief.   

 

 

 

We’ve all heard of the 5 stages of grief, but this is a more descriptive and definitive curve of what goes on when we are hurting and healing.  The one thing I have learned is that you have to FEEL it.  ALL of it.  You can’t stuff it down, numb it, or just skip it.  We have to feel all the feels.  The ugly ones, the bitter ones, the sad ones…all of the above.  I can look at that graph and know right where I was during all of those stages.  I’ve experienced every one of the left side over the last six months, and am slowly coming up the right side just now; hence the ability to write I guess.

I think it might actually be the first time I’ve ever suffered real heartbreak.  I have certainly had heartbreak in my life, but it was often my own actions or decisions that caused it.  It’s a whole different ballgame when it’s caused by another’s actions or decisions.  It’s been a powerful lesson in empathy.  It’s made me soften to those I’ve hurt in the past.  It’s made me take a deep breath and wonder if I’ve been available enough to my friends who have suffered heartbreak.  If I haven’t in the past, I sure will be now.  I’ve also learned that one of the kindest things anyone can ask during this is - “what do you need”?.  Simple, yet so very compassionate.  Because there are moments I’ve needed to scream about it.  There are moments I’ve needed to just cry for hours on end, and there’s moments I have just wanted to be still and be grateful my friends are there even if there is not a damn thing they can do in that moment to fix it.  I created a new playlist on spotify called “healing tunes” - the first song added is one of my favorite Mumford and Sons songs - Timshel.  Some of the best lines - Death is at your doorstep (heartbreak feels a big like death); it will steal your innocence, but it will not steal your substance.  (it has not).  You are not alone in this, you are not alone in this…as brothers (sisters) we will stand and we’ll hold your hand.  Hold your hand.  You are the mother earth..the mother of your baby child, the one to whom you gave life. (the best thing I’ve ever done…motherhood)  You have your choices.  And these are what make man great; his ladder to the STARS.  You are not alone in this.  You are not alone in this.  

 It’s been a powerful lesson to understand the real definition of heartbreak…..a broken open heart.   As I’ve meditated on this and created a visual picture in my mind of what a broken open heart looks like, it’s interesting to note that anything that is OPEN (whether BROKEN open or just opened on its own) is ready to be filled.  It is soft and fragile and tender…but still OPEN.  It’s so easy to retreat into hard heartedness or anger and to close everyone out, but it’s not healing to do so.    My heart has been filled with love by all of my friends and family - everyone around me who has understood my suffering.  I am so very grateful for the outpouring.  I’m grateful for a trip to Sonoma with two of my very best friends RIGHT when I needed it.  (and the support of the third who unfortunately couldn’t make the trip at the last minute I’m but has been SO there for me nonetheless), grateful for making new friends in the process that have reminded me of who I am.  I’m grateful for the gentle “nudge” from a friend while I was in Sonoma to go outside and look at the stars; it reminded me to look at the very big picture.  As I lay on the ground and looked up at the brilliance of the universe, I was comforted.  My heart became open, in that moment, to the fact that I have a million different potential ways that my life can go.  I realized that the universe is totally on my side.  A favorite Rumi quote - “Live life as if everything is rigged in your favor”.  Everything is rigged in my favor; it always has been.  Even in the midst of darkness, there is a brilliant light guiding me in the right direction.  

 

Twelve of a Kind

I have to admit when my friend Christy invited me to her birthday getaway weekend in Puerto Rico with a mutual friend and TEN women I had never met, I was a little concerned. First, I'm an introverted extrovert and value some good time to myself along with hanging with people. I was a little worried that my four day trip to paradise might end up like some weird episode of the Bachelor with 12 different personalities/wants/needs/etc fighting to be in charge. I mean, this is a group of bad ass women- superstars in their chosen careers, incredible moms, multitasking ninja warriors, just all-around bad asses. No other descriptor is adequate. Often with this subset of extraordinary women comes a strange vibe, a jockey for being the center of attention, a mass of insecurities that boil to the top and rear their ugly heads in the form of passive aggressive yuck. There was no " bless her heart", no middle school cattiness, no negativity at all. Magic happens in that environment; the magic of women supporting each other, helping each other, listening, talking, laughing, and accepting each other for just who that individual is in that moment. 

I am truly grateful to have many wonderful friends. Sometimes I feel like my life is too full for any more people; the life of a salesperson is so full of PEOPLE.   This trip proved that silly theory wrong. There is always space for more love, joy, compassion, wonder and awe. I feel like I've been given an amazing gift. I'm a keen observer of people and rely far more on my intuition than on any other resource when sizing up a situation or event or person. My intuition immediately screamed - wow. These women are real. These women are extraordinary. I'm excited about my next four days! My intuition (as usual - if I allow myself to listen to it) did not betray me. As the weekend unfolded and I had great group experiences and a little one on one with most of them, I was able to see our similarities and differences and find joy in all of it. I was able to see the love of children and husbands and friends and family in each of their eyes. I saw the vulnerability when stories of divorce and troubled children and FUCKING CANCER in young beautiful vibrant women were shared. I saw the angst and strength surrounding these women working their asses off for equality in what is mostly still a man's world in making career choices. I saw questions of - am I doing the right thing? Setting the right priorities? Am I handling my dysfunctional family members appropriately? Responding to the boss appropriately? Setting a good example? Living my life to its fullest potential? Walking the tightrope of "doing it all" without falling on my face?And through all of this....grace. Grace in understanding we each have our own path. Grace in realizing there are so many ways to live a life. There is no wrong decision. Only learnings. We each have trials and tribulations and health crises and family crises. But through it all, we have each other.  One of the girls brought me a plate of breakfast the other morning; without me asking, without me having to say anything. Women are just so damn good at serving other people and it felt so good when I realized someone was taking care of ME!  The thing about women -  they have enough love inside that they can give more of themselves than they ever thought possible. Real women are so damn strong that the fictional character of Wonder Woman looks like a weakling. 

As the " senior" member of this crowd, I saw myself in so many life stages and found myself more than anything wishing that everyone can realize the importance of the NOW. The importance of wiping those snotty noses and poopy butts, saying yes to yet another game of Legos or cars , but at the same time setting aside time to be that amazing WOMAN that you are - funny and kind and full of laughter and wisdom - and worthy of a few days away to recharge. I want each of these beautiful (inside AND out) women to keep on saying YES to things that will bring her joy. Like this trip. The work and juggling it took to get 12 women with jobs and kids and husbands and debt and an insanely full calendar to actually make this journey is staggering in its enormity. I'm pretty sure I speak for all of us when I say it was worth every second of it. 

Gratitude is a repeated theme in my posts, and my eyes literally well up with tears when I think of the level of gratitude I have for the ability to travel to a beautiful place and spend time with beautiful souls. I learned so much from each person on this journey ( more than just how to do a body shot or drink my weight in tequila although these ARE important skills). 

For Christy, Kristen, Kristina, Rebecca, Rebecca, Melissa, Jen, Jen, April, Kim, and Mia - thank you for sharing your lives and hearts with me. I can't wait until the next trip! 

And for Kristina - can't wait to see you post surgery and cancer free and healthy and pain free and those beautiful eyes shining with radiant joy! You are a marvel. 

Much love and peace on your journeys home and in the upcoming weeks. If you're ever having an overwhelmed moment ... Think about the laughter. Think about LaFactoria, think about guava mimosas and all you can eat breakfast buffets and palm trees and ocean breezes. Most important thought - CHEESE BALLS with coconut butter. And Sangria. And Mojitos. And Martinis. And love and friendship. If that doesn't make you smile, you can call me and I will remind you of a few unpublishable giggle worthy moments. 

A few compliments for each of you  (not enough compliments in this world)....

Christy - you are beautiful and smart and kind and funny and just say shit LIKE IT IS. And you have very cool friends. And a heart of gold under all of that. 

Kristen - you are a wide open ball of love and a badass simultaneously - not an easy combo to balance. Plus you packed extra for me. I wore more of your clothes than my own. Thank you. 

Kristina - you are brave and strong and open and joyful and a force of nature and a design Goddess and just pure authenticity. You are a healing warrior and a true blessing to everyone you meet. YOU will save another woman from pain and anguish by sharing your experience. Your children (including Hadi and his mother) are blessed beyond BELIEF to have your kind generous heart taking care of them. AND you are so funny I could pee my pants from laughter. 

Rebecca B - funny. funny. funny. Be careful with the beads. Amazing mom. Amazing friend. Obvious huge heart AND brain and an authenticity that is palpable. Plus you have red hair.  That says it all.  Love me a redhead. 

Rebecca F. - seriously I wanted to hate you because you are young and thin and blonde and perfect but damn I just couldn't because you are smart and funny and kind and that one eyebrow thing leaves me in stitches. You just seem to get it and I love how you love your babies and your husband and I wish I had been as smart as you at 35. 

Melissa - your strength and smarts and care taking capabilities ooze from your pores. Your 6th grade vulnerable little bad haircut self made me want to hug the you of then and applaud the you of now. You are gorgeous and strong and will climb any hurdle life puts in front of you. 

Jen R. your obvious ability to parent that daughter of yours alone in a firm yet loving way is commendable. Your success as a single mother doing it all while holding down a high responsibility job and still having that beautiful sparkling laugh through it all shows your true resilient life affirming spirit. One of the most beautiful smiles I have ever seen. 

Jen S. Can I please have your figure? ( not the faux pregnant post 24 cheese ball one, but that regular work your ass off one) ? The strength you had through your own health issues and your daughter's near death experience show your depth of character and resilience. I loved getting to know you. 

April - I loved seeing the dollar bill story reenacted for our benefit. You've come a long way baby. I have been that freaked out - " where am I and what am I doing? " person I know you felt in that moment and I love that strength of character in you. You are so smart and your kids and husband are so lucky to have you to take care if then to a level those of us who work outside the home always fall short of. Your math skills are killer and you made me feel beautiful when you curled my hair! 

Kim - your heart is huge for your son. He is lucky to have you as his wonderful mom who loves and cares for him enough to meet him right where he is. This is all while juggling a high stress career and doing it so well. Your openness and vulnerability will serve you well in every aspect of your life, even if it doesn't always come easy. Did I mention you are hot?  I wish for you love and and strong shoulder to lean on when you  - oh person of great strength - really need it. 

Mia - I totally see why Christy loves you- you are so helpful and kind and full of great people/therapy wisdom. And you haven't aged a bit since college! I need to understand how you have accomplished this. (!) Are you one of those Rodan and Fields junkies or are you like Rebecca and shine brilliantly without even washing your face? Your sly humor crept up on me a couple of times and I loved it! 

I see in each of you a little bit of me and I'm reminded how connected we all are - and that's what love is.  That connection, that spirit of sharing and caring and acceptance.  All I know is I couldn't have asked for a better group. I look forward to many future adventures. When I look at the photos from the trip, I see utter beauty. When I look at your hearts with my super intuitive uber sensitive X-ray vision I see a depth and grace and love for life and a passion for family and friends and life. Christy thank you for sharing your people. You are now my people and I've never felt more gratitude. 

Carry on my beautiful twelve pack....when you least expect it, some Cookielove will arrive on your doorstep. 

XO 

Write here...

Loss of Control

Cookielove didn’t have it’s normal abundant season of cookie production and gifting this year. There’s been no writing and very little baking.  It was a long December - a rough month on so many fronts.  I could write about the various heart wrenching, soul sucking, physically challenging events of the month, but I’d rather write about making it to the other side and coming up for air.  

I didn’t come up for air on my own though, and that is really the topic of this post.  Damn, we need each other.  We need friends, family, neighbors, doctors, lawyers, spiritual gurus, random Uber drivers and complete strangers to help us breathe that fresh air.  We also need art and music and poetry and books to remind us we are alive and not alone.  We need silence and meditation to still our minds and soften our hearts to the cruelty that can be our world.  We need each other.  

I’ve watched my son’s friends rally around him during his tough times.  I’ve seen what the support of good medical professionals can do to help all of us.  I’ve felt the love and warmth and care from my support system when I needed it most.  I don’t do well with helpless.  I usually handle things on my own - multitask, hyper speed, efficient, marathon distance, GET IT DONE mentality.  Control - December was my month of not being in control.  This manifested itself in so many ways I couldn’t begin to list them.  Let’s just say the universe conspired to teach me a big fat lesson in loss of control.  Universe -“you think you’ve got shit figured out….I’ll show you!”.  

The reality is, I’m a tiny bit of a control freak.  I try NOT to be.  I recognize the futility of it, but it is just how I am wired.  We are all wired differently.  I got extra “control” wires in the human being assembly line.  I’m hoping maybe a few of those were removed (as a side effect) during my neck/spine surgery last month.  

I took a great trip to Germany over the Thanksgiving holiday.  This is a trip I had been thinking about taking for many years, and was so excited about it.  Upon arrival into Munich, I realized my right hand and leg weren’t working with their normal capability.  I couldn’t hold a pen, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t dry my hair, and each time I encountered stairs, my leg rebelled.  My leg still moved, but just not with it’s usual strength and agility.  I had recently seen a doctor for some neck pain I had been having - thinking it was a pinched nerve or that I slept wrong on a bad hotel pillow.  I wondered if it was all related, but it seemed a stretch that a pain in my neck could impact my WALKING.  So, out came google…”neuro muscular disorders”…”Multiple sclerosis”…”ALS”….Because I work in ultra rare disease, the mind goes to the strangest of places, and in my search I discovered MANY potential causes for my strange neuromuscular issues.  I knew nerves were involved because there was weird tingling sensations in addition to the weakness.  I refused to let it ruin my trip - it had been 30 years since I’d studied in Germany and 30 years since I’d been back to this place I love so much.  I tried to live in the moment and ignore the pain and fear I was experiencing.  Sometimes it worked, sometimes I was in tears.  I realized I wasn’t in control of this, and I just had to ride the wave until I got some answers when I got hom

Upon my return to the US, my physician friends rallied around me - got me the tests I needed, got me quickly to the appropriate surgeon, and I was on my way to regaining my strength.  I look at the years I have spent working with medical professionals, learning the ins and outs of the system, and I am grateful for these connections that helped me get quick and efficient care.  I had two discs compressing my spinal cord - I awoke from surgery (ACDF…google it if you can stand it) and everything worked.  I was so happy to be alive (it’s scary when someone is operating on your NECK…when you toss the word “neurosurgeon” in, it’s even scarier), not paralyzed, and 12 weeks away from (hopefully) complete recovery.  

It’s taken me a couple of months to write this.  I started in December, it’s now February and I’m 8 weeks post surgery.  I feel relatively great. Modern medicine is incredible. I’m headed out for a nice long walk now, and I look forward to running again soon.  

My takeaway from this whole experience is that I had so many people helping me…so many people bringing meals and checking on me and loving me and taking care of me.   I am so thankful for all of the people in my life.  Sometimes losing control and letting others take over is a wonderful thing.  I’m trying to implement it more and more in my every day life.  The universe has been so good to me on so many levels, but definitely on the "connection with people" level.  As I sat in a bar last night with a good friend and fellow control freak having deep belly laughs over the absurdity of life, I was reminded again of the importance of people in our lives - lots of people, different people, bold and shy and sensitive and crazy and wonderful and unique people. I am so very thankful for my people.