A little poetry

I like to write poetry in the notes section of my phone when I feel a little inspiration. I wrote one on the plane out to California (yay! travel again!) and one while dining alone at a restaurant last night. I tacked a two day “alonecation” onto my friend’s 50th bday weekend and it has been delightful - moving at my own pace, seeing the sights, smelling the smells, reading, writing, and soaking up the California sunshine, fog, and views. I love it here. I rarely share my poems …but here goes.

PANDEMIC AWAKENINGS

A sudden shift

in how we experience our world

from home, home, home

hunkered down

staying safe

staying in

socially distanced

doing less

streaming too much

baking the bread (because we could)

digging deeper

going within

to

bigger

better(?)

more

remembering all the things

going to all the places

happened overnight

it seems

yet months and months in the making

the division

the science

the politics

the inequity

a year of looking all these things in the face

a year of looking within to determine what

we value

we need

we love

we want

making changes along the way to meet our new selves

nice to meet you, self

Waking up and knowing the world is still there

spinning, rotating, breathing, living, dying

and is now 

within reach

what we have longed for is unfolding

the freedom

the joy

the travel

the change

the newness

sometimes still behind the mask

but more and more air to breathe each day

grateful 

for science

grateful

for progress

what we have been through 

is an evolution

we are all little green plants reaching for the sun

our roots firmly entrenched in the soil

but sprouting

bit by bit each day

our tendrils unfolding and preparing for sunlight and rain

and all the things

that we need to grow

And, from last night at dinner

THIS IS WHY I WILL NEVER BE SKINNY

Dinner with my Kindle 

I love how a NAPA cab makes my mouth feel … furry 

Big and then bigger. 

Then that comfortable burn. 

As I look around this restaurant I see a lot of. 

Money 

Whiteness

Except for that one beautiful black couple. Dressed to the nines. Lipstick of red. Fro pulled back into a tight puffy ponytail. 

Coal fired arugula pizza. 

Served with scissors. They should cut it for you at these prices. 

Slices of conversation around me

Relapse?

Super soaker

Talk about Asia 

40 with children

Bungalows and motherhood

Jane Fonda

Bits and pieces of words 

I don’t want the check

I want dessert

Most women here say no to that

Their perfect Marin butts

Pilates twice today I’m sure 

Those jeans just say no to dessert

But fresh peaches in CA?

Over olive oil cake

Sounds like health food 

Just waiting to get in my belly 

Olympic trials 

Cream colored leather jacket

With a high pony tail. 

Red shoes. Red purse 

I want another glass of wine.

For the record, I only had one big beautiful glass of California Cabernet…. it was so delightful and that olive oil cake made me just too full for anything else. :)

Love wins.....even at work!

Last week, I said a wonderful farewell to people I have worked with for seven years. These are some of the best and the brightest people I have ever worked with or known. These are people who are more than colleagues - they have become friends and my “work family”. It was hard to say goodbye; hard to leave the relationships I have been steadily building over time.  It’s always hard to start over, but with starting over comes GROWTH.  With taking a new risk comes stretching myself in a new direction, developing new relationships, broadening my circle of friends and colleagues and LEARNING new things.  I’ve always been strongly motivated by learning and growing.  In every situation, whether there is change or not, there is opportunity for learning, and I have always pushed myself to find places where I grow and develop.   I am extremely grateful for the opportunities I have had to spread my wings at my current company- taking on roles with increasing responsibility, meeting new people, learning new things, developing skills that will help me for a lifetime.  Most of all I am grateful for the PEOPLE I have had the privilege of getting to know on a deep level.   I am also so grateful for the warm send off I had; showing me that all of my hard work and efforts truly paid off in the most important area - deepening my ties and relationships with the people I have interacted with over the past seven years.  We have done some great work together. I have loved getting to know MORE people; that is one of the  upsides of taking on more responsibility as a leader - your sphere of influence increases, you have MORE people from whom to learn , MORE types of people to prove the point that there are a million ways to do things!  This has been one of my most important leadership learnings.  

I think when I was younger I had the notion that there was a right way and a wrong way to do things.  The older and more experienced I have become, I have realized there are SO MANY different styles and ways of doing things, and I have developed a true appreciation for these differences.  I have “stolen” bits and pieces from successful people that I deeply admire, have aligned these things with my own style and beliefs, and have developed a leadership style that truly appreciates and recognizes input from a myriad of different types of people.  One of my favorite quotes is from Lao Tzu - “Live in your strength”…. each individual has their own strengths, and when that person LIVES in their authentic strengths - the WHOLE is made better.

Each job I have had has taught me to look for the strengths in others.  I can see what works, what doesn’t work, and appreciate all of it - either learning how to be or how NOT to be in the process.  I’ve been fortunate in my career to have so many great leaders from whom to learn.  I’ve also seen leadership styles that just don’t work.   The one thing I have learned from all of them is that if you don’t put the people first, you lose.  I had an experience once where I got some feedback (indirect feedback, as in a leader talking about me behind my back and someone else sharing it with me…) that my only problem as a leader was that I “care too much for the people”.  I was taken aback by this for two reasons - 1) because I felt like this was the highest compliment I could ever receive (yay - it’s working!),  and 2) the realization that it wasn’t given as a compliment…… I learned from this moment. I learned to look deeply at something I believe in, examine whether or not it was working, and move forward confidently in the knowledge that it WAS working - evidenced by the success, happiness, and collaborative attitude of my team.

The one thing I have learned in my thirty years in business is that the people are truly everything.  When people feel cared for, loved, and respected, they will climb mountains, jump off cliffs, lean INTO whatever you present to them.  When you have built this kind of trust, you will develop followership, you are able to present ideas and build plans and develop new ways of doing things WITH your team believing in them.  Without this kind of trust, you have a team of self interested, less motivated individuals doing work in a silo.   With this kind of trust, you get people working together toward a common goal WHILE enjoying themselves in the process. Work CAN be fun!

When leaders hold true to their beliefs and values, it helps create the purpose - the WHY behind everything.  Without this WHY , leadership falls flat.   My WHY or my purpose has always been inspiring people to live in their strengths and work from a place of authenticity.  I love to ask people to dig deep, find what motivates them, and be driven forward by that.   Leadership not anchored in a powerful “WHY” will not create followers and will not carry people through challenging times.  The challenging times always come - be it times of hardship or change or evolution of a business model - and if that strong foundation of people feeling cared for and heard hasn’t been developed, it will all fall apart.   Teams comprised of a diverse group of people WIN.  Teams with people who think differently, who feel empowered to speak up, who know that their voice matters literally will move mountains together.  There are times that we just want to tell people to GET ON THE BUS…but without building a foundation of trust and true understanding, people will be riding on their own one person vehicle, and NOT the team bus.  The collaborative efforts WON’T be realized, and goals won’t be met. Recognizing differences, leaning IN to diverse ways of thinking and of doing things, incorporating bits and pieces of VARIOUS ideas into an overall plan is what WORKS.   This type of team building takes time.  It takes concerted effort.  It takes listening.  It takes empathy.  It takes accountability.  Most of all it takes love.  

Love - there are a lot of definitions, but the one I like the most….

The act of caring and giving to someone else. Having someone's best interest and wellbeing as a priority in your life. 

Caring and giving.   Having someone’s BEST interest as a priority.  When you get to know people deeply, you are able to do this.  You are able to figure out what is important to an individual and work toward helping them achieve that; not what’s best for the company, or for you, or even for the overall team, but what is best for the individual.  When you are helping them to meet their individual goals, the team goals will fall into place.  People who feel loved work together for the greater good.  It’s a simple concept, but one that is hard for some to achieve because they think love shouldn’t be part of the workplace, that love should be something only for familial or romantic relationships.  Love works.  Love wins.   Think about the times in your life when you have felt most loved - it is in these moments that you are able to make magic happen.  It is in these moments that the impossible is made possible.  It’s what works in life; it’s what works in business.  People first.   I’m able to start a new adventure in my career knowing that so long as I let love be the guiding light for what I do - be it love for the people I work with, love for our customers, or love for the patients that we serve as team, success and joy will follow. 

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The Light

Yesterday was a really really really good day.  I can’t remember the last time I felt so patriotic, when I felt so hopeful, and when I cried such happy tears.  Democracy and civility have been missing from our world in these United States of America.   Four years with a man who put our nation at risk repeatedly and governed from a place of ego and division rather than a place of community, justice, and principle.  I’m so happy to put those four years behind us.  I burst into tears when J Lo belted out “this land is your land” during the inauguration ceremony.  I was reminded of elementary school when we sang this song, when we saluted the flag every morning with pure innocent reverence, when we believed that we were ONE NATION UNDER GOD INDIVISIBLE WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL. I felt that yesterday. I can’t even remember the last time I cried; it’s almost like I have been holding my breath, sucking all the emotions in, and just putting one foot in front of the other.  I feel as if a giant weight has lifted off of my chest, and I can breathe again.

I have quickly grown tired of the “political” discussions both with people I agree with and people I don’t.  At some point along the way, none of it was about politics anymore….it was about WHO ARE WE AS HUMAN BEINGS?  Are we a people that puts up with racism, division, rhetoric, lies, violence?  Or are we the melting pot that I have always dreamed America to be?  Are we a country the recognizes, welcomes and embraces differences? Are we a country in which children can have a vision of a better world, in which children can dream big dreams about their futures, and in which children can go to bed comforted in the fact that they live in a nation that is of the people, by the people, and for the people —- alllllll the people?   The events of 2020 - the pandemic, Black Lives Matter, climate change, inequity…. none of these things have gone away; there is still a tremendous amount of work to be done to address these gigantic problems, but……. I FEEL HOPEFUL.  I feel hopeful that there is now a team in place that recognizes science, that recognizes inequity, that WELCOMES diversity, and that will, to the best of their abilities, address these issues head on.  

The WOMEN yesterday ….wow.  The women.  Kamala Harris - THE FIRST WOMAN VICE PRESIDENT.  - Dr. Jill Biden, Lady Gaga, J. Lo, and, stealing the show - Amanda Gorman, the 22 year old poet laureate, wearing a bright yellow coat, a red hat, and shining brighter than the sun.  Her smile could light up the whole world; her words bold and beautiful. She is inspiration embodied and a vision of what our future looks like.   I want to read and re read and share and post and like and love HER POEM

When day comes we ask ourselves,

where can we find light in this never-ending shade?

The loss we carry,

a sea we must wade

We've braved the belly of the beast

We've learned that quiet isn't always peace

And the norms and notions

of what just is

Isn't always just-ice

And yet the dawn is ours

before we knew it

Somehow we do it

Somehow we've weathered and witnessed

a nation that isn't broken

but simply unfinished

We the successors of a country and a time

Where a skinny Black girl

descended from slaves and raised by a single mother

can dream of becoming president

only to find herself reciting for one

And yes we are far from polished

far from pristine

but that doesn't mean we are

striving to form a union that is perfect

We are striving to forge a union with purpose

To compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and

conditions of man

And so we lift our gazes not to what stands between us

but what stands before us

We close the divide because we know, to put our future first,

we must first put our differences aside

We lay down our arms

so we can reach out our arms

to one another

We seek harm to none and harmony for all

Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true:

That even as we grieved, we grew

That even as we hurt, we hoped

That even as we tired, we tried

That we'll forever be tied together, victorious

Not because we will never again know defeat

but because we will never again sow division

Scripture tells us to envision

that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree

And no one shall make them afraid

If we're to live up to our own time

Then victory won't lie in the blade

But in all the bridges we've made

That is the promise to glade

The hill we climb

If only we dare

It's because being American is more than a pride we inherit,

it's the past we step into

and how we repair it

We've seen a force that would shatter our nation

rather than share it

Would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy

And this effort very nearly succeeded

But while democracy can be periodically delayed

it can never be permanently defeated

In this truth

in this faith we trust

For while we have our eyes on the future

history has its eyes on us

This is the era of just redemption

We feared at its inception

We did not feel prepared to be the heirs

of such a terrifying hour

but within it we found the power

to author a new chapter

To offer hope and laughter to ourselves

So while once we asked,

how could we possibly prevail over catastrophe?

Now we assert

How could catastrophe possibly prevail over us?

We will not march back to what was

but move to what shall be

A country that is bruised but whole,

benevolent but bold,

fierce and free

We will not be turned around

or interrupted by intimidation

because we know our inaction and inertia

will be the inheritance of the next generation

Our blunders become their burdens

But one thing is certain:

If we merge mercy with might,

and might with right,

then love becomes our legacy

and change our children's birthright

So let us leave behind a country

better than the one we were left with

Every breath from my bronze-pounded chest,

we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one

We will rise from the gold-limbed hills of the west,

we will rise from the windswept northeast

where our forefathers first realized revolution

We will rise from the lake-rimmed cities of the midwestern states,

we will rise from the sunbaked south

We will rebuild, reconcile and recover

and every known nook of our nation and

every corner called our country,

our people diverse and beautiful will emerge,

battered and beautiful

When day comes we step out of the shade,

aflame and unafraid

The new dawn blooms as we free it

For there is always light,

if only we're brave enough to see it

If only we're brave enough to be it

As I digest this over and over, read it aloud,  roll it around on my tongue, I feel the pride of a mother, a woman, a human being, an American.  I feel pride in the incredible diversity and wonder of this country, the United States of America.   I feel the pride that this young woman has found her voice at the wee age of 22, that she, a “skinny black girl” as she describes herself has so much compassion and passion and confidence and conviction and love AT HER VERY CORE in spite of everything, and I FEEL HOPE.  I feel an overwhelming gratitude that our world can be a better place for the next generation, even for my own generation.  FOR THERE IS ALWAYS LIGHT, IF ONLY WE’RE BRAVE ENOUGH TO SEE IT.  IF ONLY WE’RE BRAVE ENOUGH TO BE IT.  

ONISM

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2021/01/08/briefing/the-weekender.html  Take the time to check these out -this NY Times article gave me such joy this morning -scrolling through all the places, seeing the pictures, reading the descriptions of how these places made people FEEL.  I love that every place has a feeling; every place evokes reminders of what was happening in your life, who you were with, how you experienced it.  The same place at different times can be two incredibly different experiences.   I think of my Italy trip with my girlfriends for my 50th, and then a few months later with my son - both amazing, incredibly different experiences - even though I visited many of the same places.  You get to see places through a different lens.  Portugal with just my kids - SO many memories; I recall how nervous I was driving and being unable to read the signs - I was literally sweating. Then I think of the compassion I felt from my kids in these moments. I was testy with them, but they understood; they saw my raw fear and uncertainty and then got to watch me overcome it. I think of the wind nearly blowing us off the cliff in Sagres - the edge of the world. I think of Wilson’s steady diet of french fries on that trip as well as his obsession with Ronaldo soccer jerseys. I think about the many California trips I take - and I taste them again in the wine I’ve brought home. I think about listening to Norah Jones on repeat in a cute little cabin in Highlands, NC while reading books and writing. Traveling with people or traveling alone - so many wonderful memories and feelings arise when I think about these special places.

This article made me think about alllll these remote and wonderful places I want to go.  It’s a big wide world out there, and as I near the age of 53, I realize there is only SO much time left to see the world.  I had a big travel year planned for 2020 - then covid hit.  One less year (or more) to see the world.  I’ve been feeling particularly restless the last few days.  I think we all managed 2020 in different ways; for me it was “just live in the now and get to the next thing”….the next work milestone, the next long weekend, the next day with fewer zooms, the next socially distanced get together with friends around the fire pit.  I feel bad complaining about a lack of travel - speaks to my abundance of privilege - there are many people out of work, homeless, struggling, sick… I’m grateful for all that have, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t missing travel.  I know it will be all the sweeter when we can travel freely again.

I miss that feeling you get when you land in a foreign country - that feeling of anonymity, that anticipation of surprise and wonder.   I miss the smell of different air, a different climate, a different sensation for my tastebuds, different sounds and smells.  

I keep trying to placate myself with small drivable safe weekend trips.  Mountains, beach, something near enough yet far enough, a place where more time is spent outdoors than indoors - hiking, walking, exploring nature. I’m counting down the days until we are vaccinated, until cities and countries start to open back up to me. Our time is limited.  Covid has made me realize this all the more.  I think about people who work and work and work their whole lives and never take a vacation - squirreling away their money for retirement, for “someday when”… I understand it on one level (safety and security), but then I think about the people who do this and then get some horrible disease or cancer at the age of 60, just as they are about to “live” ….and their someday never comes to fruition.  We aren’t guaranteed another day. We only have right here and right now….This doesn’t mean I don’t believe in saving money or planning for the future…but it does mean I think I need to strike a balance between living in the now and planning for the future.  I have a “favorite word” board on Pinterest - this is one of them.  Onism.  It’s a sad word in many ways, but it’s also a motivating word.  It makes me want to plan a trip.  Life is short.  Go see the world.  

Alonecation

I’m on my second “alonecation” since the pandemic.  In a normal year, I spend a lot of time on the road for work - TOO much time, really.  However, I have realized during this time at home just how good it is to have a little time away.  It’s important to have time to capture your own thoughts, to do your own thing, to not hear other people breathing and chewing, to MISS people,  and to just have a change of scenery.  I love my people dearly - but I also love some time alone.  I’m an only child; that may have something to do with it.  My friends with multiple siblings or who enjoy people around all the time look at me like I’m a nut job when I say I’m heading out for an “alonecation”. They wonder if my relationship is ok, if I’m struggling with something, or if I’m just selfish.  It makes me giggle a little bit because the time alone is what helps me keep it all together.  The time alone is what allows me to go 100 miles an hour, juggle so many things, multitask like a mofo, and keep going like the energizer bunny.  I’ve discovered in my old(er) age that I am an extroverted introvert.  I love being around people -until I don’t.  The being around people these days includes zoom meeting after zoom meeting - same thing, even less satisfying.  

I’ve decided to commit to an alonecation each quarter; especially now that I can work from anywhere.  I can take my work with me and/or take time off or just enjoy a weekend.  Either way, it grounds me.  It makes me remember who I am.  I get to spend every second of every day dong exactly what I want to do.  Last night involved watching a really bad Hallmark movie type show on Netflix - with a great glass of wine (or two). Today involved reading poetry, running, making myself a beautiful breakfast and drinking 5 (!) cups of coffee.  I enjoyed a solitary sunrise on the beach.  I enjoyed watching the light flicker over the dunes.  I watched a cargo ship pass a solitary sailboat on the horizon.  (I wonder what it felt like to be on that little boat in the wake of that giant ship!) In my day to day world, I never get to think about these things.  I never get the huge chunks of creative time where I can fill my soul with poetry, my body with exactly what I want to eat when I want to eat it, and my mind with random thoughts that have the space to live and breathe without interruption.  I think that’s really part of it.  When we are all sharing one space, it’s hard to not interrupt or be interrupted by others.  I may be deep in thought…and the dog barks, the doorbell rings, someone asks me a question, or my teenager demands food yet again —-didn’t I JUST MAKE FOOD and clean the kitchen five minutes ago? 

I struggle with the mom guilt a bit - but then I remember I have been mothering for 27 years….it’s ok to have a few days alone.  I’m pretty sure I’ve earned it.  I’m pretty sure marriages could be saved, fights stopped, and relationships healed if everyone took the time that they need.  I am so grateful that my husband (still not used to that after 7 years of “partner”) just gets me.  He sent me off with chocolate and cheese and crackers and flowers - knowing I would return happy and whole - knowing I’m not escaping him; I”m finding me.  Weird that it took me 50 years to discover this about myself.  

I went to Tulum with a friend four years ago; we each appreciate our alone time, got separate rooms, and had a great time together and separately.  I met a group of women on that trip - the place I stayed was having a “bikini bootcamp” - imagine work out meets meditation meets massage meets healthy living.  This group of women (and one man) was a super interesting bunch of people, and we loved sharing a meal with them and dipping our toe in their bootcamp with an occasional yoga class and massage. (we didn’t partake in the multiple workouts a day; unless you consider multiple glasses of sauvignon blanc and ceviche in the late afternoon to be a workout….).  I like balance like that.  Anyway, one of the women was there by herself; most of the others were paired up with friends or partners.  At first I thought - oh that’s sad, she’s all alone.  Then she told me she takes at least one “alone moon” a year - to reconnect with herself and do what she wants without the influence/wants/needs of other people.  WOW.  I thought to myself - she is ON TO SOMETHING.  How many times have I been on a vacation and wished for just a little time to myself?   I have since incorporated this into my life plan.  It has been without a doubt one of the best gifts I’ve ever given myself.  

My traveling alone started several years ago with a trip to Paris - read about it in previous post “just four days in Paris”. I spent a few days in the cutest little apartment under the redwoods in my favorite place - Mill Valley, CA.   I read poetry and ate sourdough and went for long hikes.  I spent a long weekend in Highlands, NC - listening to albums (went home and bought a record player!), enjoying local art, wine tasting at the wine shoppe, reading books, smelling fresh mountain air, reading and writing. Now I’m on Tybee Island, GA - a tiny little rustic island four hours from Atlanta in an adorable little beach cottage.  I had a day of work which somehow seemed more fun in a new location, drank some wine, ate some delicious takeout (pandemic….the people here don’t seem to take it that seriously, so just staying in), and listened to music by the pool in the adorably landscaped backyard.  I did some yoga on the screened in porch,  and now I’m sitting outside writing with the music blaring.  I’d feel guilty about blaring it with neighbors around; however, since they were running a tile saw (imagine loud screech every 5 minutes for about 20 seconds) until midnight last night….I’m not too concerned about annoying them.  At least the music is a pleasant sound! 

Somehow all the little signs of wonder are so much more obvious when I’m alone like this.  I notice the birds on the beach - varying kinds, large and small, graceful as they take flight together…. I notice the words to the songs I’m listening to, I’m in touch with the aches and pains in my body and stretch accordingly, and I am present with the sights, sounds, smells, and tastes of the beauty right in front of me.  I notice the pretty fabric on the slipcover, the colorful accessories placed around this house, the sand between my toes.  I will attempt to weave this into my real world at home - the wonder right in front of me.  I don’t even realize I’ve forgotten to do this until I’m away.  

Goals today - bike ride around island, read, maybe drive into Savannah for an early dinner,  a little wine, and a fire in the fire pit tonight.  I imagine I will wind up watching the really really bad TV show I am somehow sucked in to when I tuck myself into bed tonight.  I’m hoping the screeching next door stops a little earlier (maybe I will add buy earplugs to my to do list).   

Tomorrow morning I will awaken for the sunrise, enjoy a long walk on the beach,  drink a few cups of coffee, and then I will head home, reunite with the people I love so much, and breathe a little easier having leaned into me and having scratched the itch of a little bit of travel.   Here’s the playlist I’ve been listening to - ENJOY! (and take an alonecation —- it will change your life!) 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7nj0kCr5i1emcwGzHfAkR4?si=GPphs4PeTeqMEdjac0dS9w

Thank you

Thinking about gratitude this morning - Thanksgiving 2020.  This certainly hasn’t been the best year of my life, but it also hasn’t been the worst.  There truly is always something to be grateful for - in every minute of every day.  The fact that we are alive and breathing, for starters.  As of this moment, Thanksgiving morning 2020, 262,000 Americans have died from Covid-19.  Worldwide, 1.42 million people have lost their lives to this disease.  It’s staggering when you take that in.  I’m grateful to be alive.  I’m grateful I don’t personally know anyone who has died of Covid-19.  I’m grateful for the scientists working around the clock to bring vaccines to market - never have I been more proud to work in the innovative industry of biotechnology.  

Speaking of, I’m grateful for my job; it’s challenging during these times - I’m used to being on planes, being with people, interacting with customers and colleagues, and suddenly all has become Zoomland.  I’ve gotten used to it I suppose.  I can’t say I love it, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to still do gratifying work, to support my family, and be engaged with some of the best people I know via the internet.  I’m grateful for the incredibly smart, talented, dedicated team of people I get to work with - I’m lucky I get to work with people that inspire me every day.

I’m grateful for the internet!! Imagine a pandemic without internet - for now it is literally my workplace, it is where I shop for groceries that are delivered, search for answers to questions, take online Italian, and cruise through Pinterest looking for decorating ideas and recipes.  (I really wish the internet would stop sending me ads for alllll the things I like though!) . They know me better than I know myself……

Most of all, when I think about what I’m grateful for, it’s the people.  It’s the human beings in my life that make my heart happy.  This has been a year that I’ve spent far more time with my family than I would have otherwise - I’d be lying if I didn’t say I long for 100% alone time occasionally, but overall, the family time has been great.   I’ve had less time with friends than I might usually have, but the time I have had with them has been that much more special because it is so limited.  

I’m grateful for the trips I HAVE been able to take - they have been all that much more sweet because they have been few and far between.  My Italian wedding was canceled this summer, but I still got to have a beautiful romantic elopement by the sea in northern California.  I’m grateful I got to marry the love of my life in an intimate setting in a place we love.   I still got to visit some incredible wineries and go on beautiful hikes and explore my favorite state. I was able to stay in California for two weeks and work remotely from there WHILE enjoying my favorite place.  (thank you ZOOM) 

There are a million random things I’m grateful for too .  I read a New York times article this morning where 10,000 people wrote in using a “six word” sentence of what they were grateful for - so many random things - so many heartwarming things.   Here’s the link - https://messaging-custom-newsletters.nytimes.com/template/oakv2?campaign_id=9&emc=edit_nn_20201126&instance_id=24498&nl=the-morning&productCode=NN&regi_id=74195342&segment_id=45480&te=1&uri=nyt%3A%2F%2Fnewsletter%2F893cada1-de5f-5c69-b15e-c3969d16852a&user_id=46751518de16dcfeb6bea6e4908fae91

I’m grateful for the sound of the birds in the morning and how they change with the seasons - I’ve been quarantining for three full seasons now - just the winter to go and it will be a full year.   The birds sing different songs, at different times, and they are quieter now as we enter winter.  

I’m grateful for INCREDIBLE television content - be it Netflix, Amazon, HBO, Showtime, Hulu, Apple TV -  I have watched FAR too much TV during this pandemic, but I’ve also just given in to it.  In a world without live music, live theater, parties, etc., I appreciate the depth and breadth of television programming that is available right now.   I’ve made some of my best friends on shows like Schitt’s Creek and Ted Lasso.  I literally missed them when the shows were over.  Topics of conversation with friends - what have you been cooking? what have you been binging?  Binging on TV - a fairly new concept since the advent of streaming. I think we can all relate to staring at the clock at 10 pm and thinking….”should we watch one more?”  

I’m grateful for getting back to reading books.  Somehow in the hustle of my pre-covid life, books had fallen to the wayside a bit.  I guess I should say FICTION books.  I’ve always been an avid fiction reader, and somehow between the work travel and reading books for work, I had lost the window of time for reading good old fashioned fiction.

I’m grateful for wine - some days during the pandemic, opening a great bottle of wine on a Tuesday for no good reason has given me immense joy…. a little reminder of the beauty of waiting.  It took several years for those grapes to become great wine - maybe I need to think about this time as “fermentation” time.    May we all come out of this pandemic with more depth,  a smooth finish, and just a little fruit forward. (likely a little full bodied, too, from all the delicious cooking we’ve been doing!) 

I’m grateful for the Saturday morning farmer’s market - while everyone social distancing and masked up, the beauty of buying fresh produce and homemade pasta and freshly baked sourdough every Saturday and then creating a beautiful meal from it has been wonderful.  

I’m grateful for more time with my kids than I would have ever had while on the road for work.  I’ve been able to BE there for many more events and hugs.  

I’m grateful for my running partner - we ran so much we both are now injured, so currently she’s my walking partner…..  grateful for running too, which I desperately miss as I nurse this injury.  Running is so good for my body and my mind - it’s a beautiful way to think and process and come up with all kinds of ideas.  I don’t know why running stimulates my creative brain, but it does.  I often get home and furiously scribble something down on paper - something I want to do, or write about, or create.  I’m grateful for the deeper friendship that has evolved as a result of the daily running/walking also!

I’m grateful for my health.  This is a huge one.  When I think about all the people struggling with health issues (both covid and non covid related) this is one I think we all take for granted.  As I breathe in and breathe out and feel pretty darn good most of the time (running injury aside), I’m so grateful.  

I’m grateful for the incredible weather we have had in the south.  We had one of the longest most beautiful springs I have ever experienced here - which was important, because we were just getting used to quarantine and it was important to be able to go outside without weather concerns.  We had a mild (for Georgia) summer and the fall has been spectacular.  (I could certainly deal with fewer hurricanes and fires across the country…. but that’s another topic all together)

I’m grateful for my home.  With the money I haven’t spent on travel during the pandemic,  I have channeled into making my space more beautiful; redecorating my “woman cave” - my loft area for reading and relaxing.  I’m grateful to be able to do this and to have a space that I love to retreat to when I need alone time or for coffee in the morning or just to curl up with a great book or magazine.

I’m certainly grateful for coffee!! How else would I even wake up and do all the things? 

I’m so very grateful for music! (live music is one of the things I desperately miss). I have been able to attend one socially distanced outdoor jazz performance (thank you Callanwolde)…it made my heart so happy. Grateful for Spotify where I have curated so many playlists, shared so many tunes with others, and discovered beautiful new music. I’m grateful for the friends that routinely send me new music! Music NEVER disappoints. Music ALWAYS lifts my spirits. Here’s a playlist I made in honor of Thanksgiving. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1jN07GiBwt9Ecpr7BbmqoZ?si=z99QLOCqQpyKBoC7YjmxUg. And, as an added bonus - a utube video of one of my favorites, Leah Song from Rising Appalachia singing “Thank you very much”. https://youtu.be/PKFed9LCong

You see how this goes….one expression of gratitude leads to another leads to another.  It really is a domino effect.  The same is true with negative thinking….one negative thought begets another begets another.  I choose gratitude.  I choose positivity.  It is a choice we all get to make, REGARDLESS of circumstances, REGARDLESS of all the stuff swirling around us.  We can’t deny that bad things happen, that sometimes life is damn hard, but, at the end of the day, if we can swing things back around to gratitude, we are reminded that the world is a beautiful place and that life is beautiful.   

I’m grateful for this outlet of writing.  About six years ago I committed to writing every day, and with the exception of a day or two, I have done it.  Be it just journal writing, blog post writing, poetry writing, short story writing, whatever - it has been an incredible way to express myself, share my thoughts, and just vomit my brain onto paper; actually, onto a screen as I do it digitally.  Grateful for my computer!!  

No matter what my frame of mind or mood, the second I start focusing on gratitude, it shifts.  I remind myself of all the good in the world. I remind myself of all the good in my life.   It’s undeniable; the practice of gratitude will change your life.  It is a practice, it doesn’t always come naturally.  It is like exercise - you feel soooo much better after it’s done.  I challenge anyone reading this today to start a gratitude journal.  Every day as part of my writing, I write down 10 things I’m grateful for - they then circle throughout my brain for the rest of the day, reminding me to focus on the good.  Today, Thanksgiving, is a great day to start.  What are you grateful for? 

Don't eat Cheetos for breakfast (or you are what you eat)

I’m thinking at this moment about what we feed ourselves.  Thinking about what I put in my body and mind…. just like eating a bag of cheetos for breakfast, consuming doses of bad news from every possible source out there also can’t be good for one’s soul.  Whether it’s facebook, instagram, the NYT, the Washington Post, Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, Twitter….any of it in large doses is just plain toxic.  There will be those naysayers out there that claim that being “uninformed” will lead to disaster.  I think it’s important that we all be informed, and truly informed takes about 10 mins of reading of a trusted source. (those are different for different people…or different political parties).  But whatever - just read a little. bit. of news.  I skimmed the front page of the online NYT this morning - wow.  Doom and gloom central.  Here’s the thing - there’s  a lot of bad shit going on in our world right now.  However,  I believe in the power of the mind and energy.  I believe if we shift our energy and focus to alllllll the bad news - we draw more of it to us.  I prefer (and call me rose colored glasses - I don’t care) that focusing on the love, the kindness, the generosity, the friendship, the BEAUTY of our world will create more of that and turn the tide of what is happening right now.  For generation after generation dating back to early mankind - there have been horrible disasters, plagues, political unrest, war, famine…times better and times worse than now.  I’m certainly not downplaying or discounting the atrocities that happen in our world.  I am challenging people to not put all focus and attention there.  Go for a walk, look at the colorful flowers, listen to the birds, watch the fireflies at night, take a gift to a friend, write a letter or a love note, eat a ripe, juicy peach, hold someone’s hand, listen to a child’s laughter, watch a puppy video, for God’s sake don’t keep mindlessly scrolling through bad news.  It’s horrible for a person’s mental health, it creates a reality that is so full of doom and gloom that it might feel like a person can’t even go on; I think it makes a person feel helpless instead of empowered.  Take baby steps to fix the injustices in the world.  Help a homeless person today.  Write a letter to a congressman.  Vote.  Educate yourself on issues you want to better understand.  And then live your life.  Enjoy the small wonders and pleasures that are all around us.  It doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means you DO.  It means you are grateful and can notice all of the beauty that does still exist in our world IN SPITE of all of the hard things and tragedy.  It will leave your mind healthier, happier, and more able to work for change and personal growth.  Your mind is powerful.  Your thoughts and words are powerful.  Think good thoughts. 

In the words of John Lewis who recently left our world - “Be optimistic, don’t get lost in a sea of despair, but be bold, be courageous, and all will work out.”  

My white privilege

I haven’t written a cookielove blogpost with any meaningful depth in some time.  I think the weight of the world has been heavy on my shoulders, and it’s been tough to think about putting my thoughts down on paper.  It’s been hard to imagine writing with the substance that this time in our history deserves.  2020 has been a year we won’t forget; or, at least I hope we won’t forget it.  As I think about the major events of the year - Covid 19, Black Lives Matter (part deux, or arguably, part infinity….depending on how you look at it), the presidential election, just to name a few big issues in our world, writing a silly little blog seems so….trivial.  

Yet, I feel a weird responsibility to talk about these things and to put them down in a space where at least I WILL REMEMBER and be moved to make personal change where I can.  

Emotions are raw right now,  the chasm between the left and the right is ever widening.  It feels like we may never bridge that gap.  I never would have thought I would see a day when the wearing of masks to prevent a public health crisis would be politicized.  I never thought I would be examining my own biases only to discover that - wow -  why have I not paid attention to the racial injustices in our country? Why have I sat by, ignorantly wallowing in my own white privilege while my black friends endure micro AND macro aggressions EVERY. SINGLE. DAY? 

I want to write about my rising awareness of my own white privilege.  There have been a couple of times recently when I noticed it in a big way -  both of them while running.  I think of the senseless death of Ahmaud Arbery in the state I call home - a 25 year old black man shot while out running by two white men - caught ON FILM.  How many times do these senseless acts of violence happen when there are NO cameras in sight?  When there are NO video replays of the tragic situation.  HE WAS JUST OUT FOR A RUN.  The list is endless; there are so many senseless killings of black people, I can’t list or even remember all of them.  I focus on Ahmaud because he was running.  I’ve been a runner for as long as I can remember.  I often head out alone in the wee hours of the morning for a run; logging miles before my work day, clearing my head and finding that space in the day that is all mine to plan, to think, to elevate my creativity (something about running stimulates ideas and processes emotions and frankly, keeps me sane amidst the day to day life stressors) and, to keep my heart pumping and my muscles strong.  I think about Ahmaud - maybe he was doing the same thing - clearing his mind, strengthening his body, working through stress.  

The other day I set out for a run on a Saturday a little later in the morning.  I decided on a longish run, mentally traced out the route I would do in my head, and set out under a blazing sun.  I listened to my playlist ranging from Eminem to Prince to 2Chainz to Jose Gonzalez to U2 (just thinking about the diversity of my playlist makes me think about the beautiful diversity of our nation; of the melting pot of people that MAKE OUR NATION A BETTER PLACE).  As I ran through the lush and gorgeous neighborhood of Druid Hills - a predominately white and wealthy neighborhood in the very diverse city of Atlanta, I took in the large mansions and sprawling manicured lawns.  I picked this route because the old trees are so huge and provide a tremendous amount of shade in the hot Atlanta summer sun.  As I approached the spot where I was about to take a right, I saw a “do not enter” roadblock sign was up.  I knew the neighborhood well enough to know that if I didn’t take a right here, it would add at least another mile to my already “longer than my body wanted” run…so, I glanced down the road, saw some trucks working in the distance, but also saw enough room that a runner could pass.  My instinct, as a rule follower by nature, was to choose an alternate route.  However, my tired and aching middle-aged body said - ugh - you don’t want to run any further, just give it a shot.  I listened to the second voice.  As I turned down the street, I saw a policeman in a police car monitoring people like me.  He politely rolled down his window and said “ma’am, this road is closed - the sign clearly says that ”.  I smiled, waved, apologized, and said I was hoping that sign had been just for cars and that there would be room on the road for a runner.  He flashed a grin my way and said - “no, ma’am”.  I turned around.  And then I thought about it.  I thought about - I had broken a law.  Disobeyed a clearly marked sign.  I thought about recent events.  What if I was a black man in that neighborhood, doing the same thing, and that police officer decided to do something different?  What if, that police officer had thought the black man LOOKED like someone who had recently committed some robberies int the neighborhood? Would I have been issued a citation? Would I have been arrested? Would I have been shot? I know this will seem inflammatory; I honestly think (but, again, this could be my white privilege speaking) that most cops (most people, in fact) are not racist and are here to serve and protect ALL people.  However, I have never been black.  I have never been a black person running through a white neighborhood.  I have never been mistaken for a criminal because of the color of my skin.  THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF WHITE PRIVILEGE - for anyone who still says white privilege doesn’t exist; who uses the argument of - I grew up poor, I grew up from nothing, I grew up without any privilege.  Those things are true for many, myself included, but I have never felt fear over the color of my skin. I have never been shot while simply out running. I think if we, as white people, just start acknowledging that, we will get there.  We will get to a place where equality is real, and the world is a more just place.  I need to believe that.  I also know it’s only a start.  

I HAVE been a white person running through a black neighborhood - many, many times.  And, after the senseless shooting of Ahmaud, I had one of those runs, too.  I had the thought - I wonder if these black people in this neighborhood are ANGRY that I, a white woman, can freely run through a predominately black neighborhood without the fear of being shot?  Because I have never felt that fear UNTIL that day.  UNTIL I realized that black people are angry right now - and they should be.  Violence begets violence.  Anger begets anger. If I were a black person witnessing so many senseless killings at the hands of white people, I would be angry.  I can’t walk a mile in anyone else’s shoes, but the least I can do is try to imagine what that might be like.  This is where understanding starts.  

I spent the rest of both of those runs thinking about my white privilege.  Thinking about the world we live in - so divided and so angry right now.  Sometimes I can’t even pick up a newspaper or read a magazine article - it makes my soul hurt.  I have to believe there are better times coming.  I think about Anne Frank’s words “In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.  I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death.  I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the suffering of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again”.  I am, and will continue to be, the eternal optimist. I will put my energy toward believing in a better world - for all of us.  It is our diversity that is our strength.  It is the variance of race, creed, gender, culture, religion, that makes our country so wonderful.  The only way to erase hatred is to look within; look inside ourselves and find the light to illuminate the darkness.   True change will only come from understanding, empathy and love.  It starts with me.  

Miracles of Motherhood

Mother’s Day.  I wake up this morning feeling insanely grateful for the gift of motherhood.  I’ve been a mom for almost 27 years now….THAT is hard to believe.   I don’t think it’s possible to find an honest mama that doesn’t describe motherhood as the most beautiful, painful, wonderful, heart wrenching, challenging, lovely, and completely overwhelming experience of life.  There have been times where I just needed a  break from the whirlwind of mothering (can I please just stay in a hotel and order room service and pee alone?).  There have been times when I am surrounded by all of my amazing kids and I feel such an abundance of love that I could explode.  There have been FAR more of the latter.    The first kind was mostly when the kids were little and there was always so much to do and so much caretaking and sometimes my cup was just empty and I was oh. so. tired.   Motherhood is this strange and wonderful circumstance of balancing between the giving of allll of yourself while trying not to lose that little speck of yourself that is still just you.  

When I think of what motherhood has taught me, it seems impossible to write it all down. When I think of the greatest joys in my life, so many of them stem from the growing of a child in my belly, smelling that sweet wonderful baby smell, watching them experience the wonder of the world, picking them up and dusting them off when they fall down, kissing their boo-boos, lying in bed reading stories at night, putting them back in bed again and again and again when they start to test the boundaries, watching their wide eyed observations of all the little things our adult eyes don’t notice anymore, and literally crying every time I saw them on stage even if they were in the back row, not singing, and barely visible to me - what is that autonomic response of crying when your kids are performing?  Every. Single. Time. All the tears. All the while, I was attempting to mold and shape them, only to watch them live outside whatever artificial lines I had created as they expressed their true and unique selves.  Mothering is a true example of control being an illusion.  I can try to teach them, but they are their own people.   This lesson took me awhile.  I’ve watched myself change as a mother from the mom who had a baby at 25 to the mom who had another at 30 and then again at 39….no one would expect that I would mother them all the same, and I certainly haven’t.  (if you ask the eldest, the youngest gets away with murder….true.)  

Growing your heart outside of your body ain’t easy…..there are so many times you want to  yank it back in, keep it safe, protect it from all the harm that you know is out there.  You want to save your children from the pain you may have experienced or save them from things you know they don’t yet understand.  Then you see it.  You see them encounter trouble.  You see them recover.  You see them learn to navigate their emotions, their desires, their own becoming.  You see that they are capable, and that it is only THROUGH the struggles and the boo boos and the running into brick walls that they develop all of the life skills they need - the resiliency, the bravery, the humility, the compassion, the love.  

I feel like we FORGET so much of motherhood - the time flies by so quickly, and it’s only when I leaf through the pages of my mind or of a photo album that I remember.  I remember that time when I left my firstborn at daycare for the very first time, and I sobbed for an hour in the car - knowing that FOREVER,  I was going to worry about this little one.  That FOREVER when I was away from this beautiful little girl, I would feel a tiny, gnawing ache and worry inside my belly.   It lessens, but is still there - even when my baby is a 26 year old grown woman. She is probably a stronger, wiser, and more independent woman than I ever was at her age , yet that little ache is always there. I remember falling asleep with her on the couch as an infant after a sleepless night, wondering if I would EVER be able to do this motherhood thing. I  remember that when I went to leave my second child with his giant blue eyes and white hair at day care, I LITERALLY could not leave him there.  I sat with him, rocked him, smelled him, and then promptly took him back to the car with me and took him home.  I quit my job and spent the next two years watching him roar at ants by the front porch and laugh and giggle incessantly as he raced around the house with me chasing him. I learned to cook with him sitting in the bouncy seat on the kitchen counter, and I ran hundreds of miles pushing him in the baby jogger.   I remember how he snuggled in by my side on the couch every opportunity he had, and I remember that every minute of every twenty four hours was hard and wonderful and exhausting and gratifying and so full of love.  Then there was that surprise red headed bonus child when I was almost forty years old.  He had that cherubic face, the naughty laugh, the love of nature and animals and the great big heart full of love for everyone around him - especially his big sister and big brother and all of their friends.    We wrapped him up like a burrito and fought over who would get to hold him.  This one teaches ME so many new things ever single day. I remember how hard it was juggling a growing career with all of this - wanting to stretch intellectually, yet find a way to do it that wouldn’t steal from mothering; a delicate and nearly impossible balance.  

My mom gave birth to me at the way too young age of fifteen.   She was a child raising me on her own - doing the best she could with what she had.  I am so grateful for all of the sacrifices she made to ensure that I had a better life and that I could take care of myself.   It’s what we all do; when we have grace for our own mothers and grace for ourselves, we realize that we are all doing the best we can with what we have.  Not one of us has been a perfect mother; we have tried, failed, tried again, but mostly we have loved deeply.   Motherhood is this beautiful and wonderful miracle that grows your heart to a million times its original size, breaks it a few times, and then continues to grow it in a million different directions.  The humans I am blessed to be a mother to are hands down my favorite people on earth.  They are true miracles.   

“Around us, life bursts with miracles, a glass of water, a ray of sunshine, a leaf, a caterpillar, a flower, laughter, raindrops.  If you live in awareness, it is easy to see miracles everywhere.  Each human being is a multiplicity of miracles.  Eyes that see thousands of colours, shapes, and forms; ears that hear a bee flying or a thunderclap; a brain that ponders a speck of dust as easily as the entire cosmos; a heart that beats in rhythm with the heartbeat of all beings.  When we are tired and feel discouraged by life’s daily struggles, we may not notice these miracles, but they are always there. “  —Thich Nhat Hanh

Sunday thoughts

Sundays always make me happy.  They always make me want just one more Sunday, in fact.  I think our weeks should go Mon-Friday, Saturday. Sunday. Sunday.  There’s something about Saturdays that are still kind of busy - unwinding, getting chores done, still in the “to do” mode from the week.  But Sundays, ah.  I’m sitting in the woman cave this morning just listening to the symphony of birds singing outside - it’s glorious.  It’s all the church one needs I think.  It makes me grateful to live where I live, nestled underneath the ancient magnolias and pecan and oak trees, wedged between dogwoods and azaleas and camellias and gardenia bushes. 

Sipping on my cup of coffee this morning, I think of how very very lucky I am to be healthy, employed, with most of my family, and surrounded by more books than I will ever actually finish.  That was a goal of mine during this coronavirus time (I set so many goals early on during this!)- start reading allll the books! I have a bad habit of reading ABOUT a book I might l like and then immediately downloading or buying the hardcopy from Amazon.  Yet, I don’t actually read that much everyday (focus seems to be a challenge during this time),  so they are certainly piling up.  I will get there.  In the beginning with corona I took a deep breath and felt a sense of contentment around the slowing down of life.  I have been running so fast over the last few years - both in my career and in my personal life, knowing that I’m not going to live forever. How do I do all the things I want to do?  How do I see all the things I want to see? Now, as the weeks add up to months, I vacillate internally between contentment and utter frustration.  I love my home, I love the people in it, but I long for alone time.  I long for travel.  I long for visiting someplace new.  I long for beaches and cobblestoned streets and ancient castles and wine that tastes and smells like the dirt of the country its grown in.   I long for dinners with friends and work meetings where I can look people in the eyes, read body language, and laugh together in person.  I long to run an errand! I long to do long runs with my entire running group - a group of 5 women that I adore! I miss a girls’ weekend where we laugh and drink wine and escape reality for a couple of days. I long for date night with Robb and a great martini served at a bar followed by a casual walk on the Atlanta Beltline which would be SWARMING with people.  It’s a weird feeling driving down streets with no traffic and NOT seeing groups of people hanging out and laughing and enjoying one another’s company.  I live in a vibrant city and part of what makes it so vibrant are the people!  I miss that.  I long to hug Zach - he’s been living in another city and I got to see him yesterday at a social distance family picnic (yay!), but I didn’t get to hug him. That was tough.

I long for headlines that don’t involve thousands of people dying, the overwhelm of hospitals, and the insanity of our government.  I think,  like everyone else, I just want to feel a sense of “what was” again.   I sometimes feel a little guilty for my cravings of normalcy; I lead a privileged life - not everyone does, and I am acutely aware of that.  My problems or wishes pale in comparison to so many who are ill or who are now just struggling to survive. I love the “how can we help” mentality that has been born of this crisis, I love the neighbors helping neighbors, the “drive by” birthday parties where kids show their friends they are still thinking of them; still caring for them.  I love that restaurants are supporting healthcare workers and each other.   I love the home cooked meals and the walks.  I love the closeness that has somehow developed through the “distancing”.  But, I don’t love the distance.

I can’t wait to travel again.   I can’t wait to plan a trip, anticipate a trip, and then BE in a new place exploring all of the nooks and crannies - the touristy stuff, the local stuff, all of it.  I will not take it for granted again, this I know.  My normal has always involved a hefty sense of gratitude, as does my “new normal” during Covid-19, but the list of things I’m grateful for looks different.   I don’t know what our new world will look like post Covid (the idea of masks and distancing and separation makes me cringe),  but I DO know I will be extremely grateful for all the things I took for granted in the past.   I DO know that the next time I board an airplane or get in my car or meet with a group of people, I will look at it differently.  The next time I get to hug someone NOT living in my home will be one of the best days ever.  

Word love

I love words.  Turns out there’s a word for that - logophile.  I’ve been scrolling through Pinterest this morning (as I often do), reading quotes, checking out interior design trends, looking for new plant based recipes and just perusing all kinds of things.    I’ve come across a whole slew of words and their definitions, so of course I had to start a new “favorite words” board; someday I will do something with them, just like alllll the other Pinterest boards I’ve created. Anyway, I came across a word this morning that I didn’t know existed - Onism.  It means “awareness of how little of the world you will ever experience”.  This is something I have felt my entire life, but had no idea there was a word for it.  It’s all the more bittersweet during this time of quarantine.  It’s all the more bittersweet knowing the clock is ticking on my life, and it is narrowing the gap of time I have to see the world. 

Obviously we are doing the right thing by staying in, protecting ourselves and everyone else from the spread of this virus.  I’m not one of those silly protesters; this is so much bigger than me and I realize that.  At the same time, I feel a little sadness over it.  I also know that I will appreciate the sweetness of seeing a new place and experiencing new things all the more when I’m able to travel again.  I think about the first time I saw the sea - I was in the 4th grade and had moved to Santa Cruz, CA from Kansas….a long way from any ocean!  I remember the smell of the seaweed, the foggy air and the cold sand between my toes.  I remember the first time I went to Europe - to Germany to live for a year - an incredible eye opening look at the world through the eyes of a small town Kansas girl. All the things were so unfamiliar  - the sights, sounds, smells, language, culture……. and I loved it.  I explored so many countries in Europe that year - giving me but a taste of what the world has to offer. I haven’t stopped traveling since.  I have a job where I travel; my company is based in a different city from where I live.  Not everyone would love this, but there’s something so special to me about touching down in a new city and seeing what it has to offer; seeking a “local” experience in a new place, breathing in the DIFFERENT.   

I also am experiencing the sweetness of being home for extended periods of time; I’m glad to know that my partner doesn’t drive me insane, that I still love to cook and bake, and that I am able to clean my own house (not that I necessarily want to….) BUT that there is beauty in the experience of making your own space beautiful and clean.   The pause I have been taking is lovely in many ways, but boy do I miss the travel.  I miss seeing my friends and colleagues, I miss the hugs on the street when I see a neighbor,  I miss seeing Zach,  and I even miss the airplanes!  I know the time will come when much of that life returns, and I’m sure then we will reminisce about “that three month period where we all stayed home”…. because there is so much good in this time too.  The stillness is also beautiful,  the social distancing “happy hours” 10 feet apart in the driveway or via Zoom,  reading more books, watching more movies, experimenting in the kitchen (going to try sourdough bread today!), and even cleaning out closets.   Living in the here and now is truly the only way to get through all of this; finding the joy in the small moments; appreciating what IS.   I will try to keep my heightened sense of onism at bay for now, and embrace my inner homebody.  

As is

Easter Sunday.  I won’t lie - I’m enjoying the quarantine a bit today.  Emily and I went for a walk in a little rain shower this morning, we had a group hug with Emily and Wilson starting it and Robb and I joining in….(missing Zach and Robb’s kids…sending virtual hugs out to each of them), we had a FEAST of eggs, asparagus, bacon (we aren’t vegan today- embracing flexitarianism), fruit salad, and homemade cinnamon rolls.  I have a cookbook from the late 1960s or early 70s (the front cover has torn off, so I can’t be sure)….it’s a mennonite cookbook from Kansas and has THE best recipes in it.  It’s old fashioned in the best of ways.  I found myself turning the pages and reading the random wisdom inside - how to convert to metric, how to cook for 100(!)..specific quantities of potatoes, etc. for a crowd, how to remove ANY stain from anything, as well as soooo many old school recipes like homemade pickles, spiced nuts, etc.  I also realized in the 11th hour that I didn’t have any powdered sugar for frosting for the cinnamon rolls…hmmmm. Thank God for Google.  For future reference - you can make a delicious frosting by cooking milk, flour and a pinch of salt until it’s thick and bubbly.  Cool it and mix with granulated sugar creamed with butter and vanilla.  Voila - I think it was better than the powdered sugar kind.  Always learning.  

Easter Sunday delivery from the Easter Bunny….(aka Amazon)..PAPER TOWELS!  Small delights.  I’m trying to welcome, recognize, and be grateful for all of these little things.  Today on our walk I smelled a red rose that was like perfume.  The trees seem greener.  The birds seem to be singing louder.   All the flowers are blooming.  Georgia in the spring is spectacular.  Everything feels slower, more intentional somehow - there are benefits to nowhere to go (like staying your pajamas all day and mimosas). I have moments of wanting to go, but mostly I’m enjoying reading more, cooking more, and trying to be present for it all.  I try to think of a year from now when we all look at each other and say - remember last year when things were so slow?  I hope we take a little bit of it with us into the future - there is beauty in it.  Listen to music.  Read a book with no distraction.  Cook a favorite recipe.  Clean up together.  Gratitude for what is.  As is.  

Take a musical vacation

Started my morning watching John Krazinski’s show which brings good news to people; I love this.  Today was featuring a little girl who couldn’t go see Hamilton so he brought Hamilton to her - via Zoom!.  The cast sang her favorite Hamilton song from the zoom grid and the beauty of it made tears spill down my cheeks this morning.  Sad and happy tears.  It was such a beautiful gift and a beautiful production; the voices clear and brilliant - even on Zoom!  Amazing that technology can move a person to tears.  Amazing that he was able to pull this off and make a little girl’s day.  She will never forget that - hell, I will never forget that! There’s something about music that just makes life better. 

I’m missing live music in the biggest way, but I’m grateful to be able to watch it like this.  I’m going to make a commitment to watching more live music via youtube or livestream or on tv or wherever I can find it.  I may be at home, but music transports me to all kinds of places - places in my soul and in my memory.  So many of my best memories involve live or even recorded music.  I think of some of the best concerts of my life - Mumford and Sons at Berkeley, Norah Jones under a full moon at Chastain Park, Donavon Frankenreither in Paris, John Butler Trio at Chastain, Lenny Kravitz at Piedmont Park, Rising Appalachia in NYC and at the Grocery on Home in Atlanta - so many more….just hearing the music transports me to these wonderful places and times in my mind.  It reminds me of the people I love that I have shared these moments with; I remember the sights and smells and sounds at some of my favorite venues. I hope years from now I remember watching a video or a concert on my TV during that Covid-19 pandemic; may it remind me of the sweet closeness of family, of cooking delicious meals together, of moments of love and moments of irritation, and mostly of happy times in spite of a terrible situation. We may not be able to go out to see live music right now, but don’t forget to tune in to some great music that will take you on a mental vacation right from your home - we all need the joy that it brings.

Grief and Joy

Grief and Joy  - April 3 and 4

I made the mistake of opening my day up at 6 am with work.  I’m usually pretty good about starting it off with reading, writing, meditating, running…doing the things that ground me and set me on a good path for the day.  Instead, after a frustrating and long week of working, trying to focus with multiple people in the house, taking care of all the household things like shopping and cleaning and just staying semi organized in our “pseudo” offices scattered around the house, I realized on my run this morning that I am grieving.  Subtly, under the surface, subconsciously and sometimes consciously, grieving.  I woke up for two hours in the middle of the night - not panicking or anything, but just feeling the feels.  Feeling the pent up energy, the disappointment, the frustration, and the sadness around the changes around us.  I read the memes about - oh suck it up, it’s not that hard to stay home - at least you have a home to stay in, which is all true, and I can shift to gratitude in a heartbeat, but I think it’s important to FEEL these things that are so real.  When we just stuff down feelings, they tend to show up in an unattractive way at some point.  If you don’t deal with them, they just fester and keep you from sleeping or from being able to focus.  In addition to my gratitude list today, I’m going to make a grieving list

I’m grieving

my son’s seventh grade year

his interactions with his friends IN PERSON

his soccer season - he adores soccer and has been playing on a new team with some awesome kids and families and he has been getting better and better ….now this.

the distance from my older kids - I see Emily a couple of times a week as we have all been quarantining for a month now, but Zach is in another town and I can’t imagine not seeing him for months

the trip to Cuba I was supposed to take with Wilson over spring break - an opportunity to go to a beautiful country on a service trip and have some real quality one on one travel time with my baby. 

my spring break photos over the last few years keep popping up and think about what an important and wonderful break and time with family this week typically is - a break from reality, from work, from school, from winter, from our home - traveling to wonderful places.

my Italian wedding.  While we haven’t cancelled yet, it looks likely.  Robb and I have had a long and sometimes challenging journey to get to the beautiful place where we are, and I was so looking forward to celebrating that this summer with family and some very close friends….sure, we can still get married and we will, but it’s just sad…so many things in the works, so much “love  is in the details” thinking, and now…no details.  no actual big things.  

trips to CA - we usually go once a quarter to the place we long to live - hiking in Muir woods, a pizza at Bar Bocce, long bike rides and walks through San Fran, the Ferry building, all of our favorite restaurants, the smell of eucalyptus, coffee and running in Mill Valley and on the Dipsea trail, Parkside Cafe in Stinson, sunsets on a cliff in Bolinas, the crisp weather and beautiful ocean. 

Regular nights out with friends at a bar or restaurant or our homes…I miss people in my home.  

Seeing my colleagues on a regular basis - LIVE and not on Zoom.  It’s not the same.  

a hit to my income, to my retirement plan, to what I’m able to do at work. 

Even airplanes…who thought I would miss airplanes?

the freedom to come and go and stop in here or there…..all of it

and all the while the overwhelming concern of getting or transmitting the coronavirus (or someone I know getting it) 

I look forward to the joys listed above again, I hope I didn’t take them for granted before; I know I certainly do not now.    I think it’s important to recognize what we miss, so that moving forward  we create lives that are full of the things we love - both from the life we lived when we were free to move about AND from the life we are living in stillness.   

April 4 2020

Yesterday was a rough day as is evidenced by my grieving list.  I also had a very very long work week - too many zoom calls, an ever-increasing “to do” list, staying strong and focused for people around me, helping people with things they needed help with - really a “too much on my plate week”.  However, I am proud of myself for continuing to exercise, to eat well, to make time for “driveway happy hour with friends” at least once a week (6-8 feet apart!). 

Today, I am going to focus on the gratitude, on the good things, and on what I can do.  We will have highs and lows during this weird situation, but today is going to be a good day.  I’ve read some great articles on leadership this morning, texted with some friends, forwarded a poem for a poem exchange email chain thing….I usually never do those, but for some reason this one appealed to me.  Here’s the poem I shared:

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and attend them all:

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house

Empty of its furniture, still,

Treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

—Rumi.

Welcome and attend them all…..such good advice.  It goes back to the “feeling the feels”, which is, ironically, the name of the online journal I’ve been keeping for about five years.  It’s a place I go to dump my thoughts, feelings, gratitudes, etc., and keeps me true to my promise to write daily.  

This whole covid 19 thing may just be “clearing us out for some new delight”.  Some of the delights I have found in this situation

More time with family

cooking creative recipes at home; planning meals together and cooking together

no need to dress up! ever! (sometimes I just put on a nice blouse and some makeup for the zoom calls…sometimes I don’t)

a heightened level of compassion from everyone

more time to read (although I admittedly haven’t been doing enough of this)

porch or driveway get togethers with friends - all the sweeter in light of mostly isolating

running or walking every single day and really looking at the beauty of spring all around me

sleeping in my own bed every night

household cleaning projects - windows, floors, closets……

the early mornings when no one else is awake and I can reflect, plan, be grateful, read, and sit quietly and listen to the birdsong all around me as the new day begins.  

There is joy in the moving about.  There is joy in the stillness.  I prefer the balance of both, but for now, I will appreciate the stillness.

April Fool's Day

Maybe it’s been April Fool’s Day for the past month.   I feel like I’m living in a weird tv show or something.  While some things in my life haven’t changed at all, EVERYTHING feels so different.  So heavy in some strange way.  There are a lot of things that are still the same though - a lot of things that still make me feel normal.  The sun is still rising.  The birds still singing.  The birds start singing around 6:20; I keep waking up earlier and earlier, so I’m noticing the time.  I imagine it’s just as a little bit of light starts to filter through the darkness.  It still looks dark to me, but the birds must sense the change in pressure of the sun starting to rise.  I hear an ambulance in the background behind the birds; I think of all of the healthcare workers out helping people, whether it’s Covid 19 or some other type of distress.  That’s the problem with the normal…right when you think about what is normal, you remember that life has been turned upside down.  I still am trying to find beauty in the “upside down”.  There are things I will take away from this time that are lovely.  The video zoom meetings, for example! We’ve had this technology all along, yet chose to do conference calls with audio only.  I feel so much closer to my team on video! I love the intermix of family and barking dogs and all the things that make us whole humans mixed in with work.  It takes authentic leadership to a whole new level.  I like this part.  I miss hugging people, however.  I like a good virtual happy hour - been having these with friends and family, but it’s definitely not as good as an in person cocktail with hugs and close proximity to humans.  When I go out for a run - as I do most days (until my body says - ouch, no more, you need to take a break and do some yoga!) - I try to catch people’s eye as I move an appropriate six feet away from them.  I try to smile or nod or wave - seeking that interconnectedness that gets crippled by fear.  It’s so unnatural to move AWAY from people on the sidewalk.  It feels so rude.  l think that’s the bottom line.  We are being forced to behave in ways that are completely against our human nature.  In an effort to preserve life.  Strange. 

That’s how I ‘m feeling today.  And then reminding myself to bring it back to what I CAN control - which is simply all that I am grateful for and all that is good in this moment.  Today’s list

cooler temperatures - makes for better running

more time to spend with Wilson while he is home schooling 

hot delicious coffee this morning

an early morning text from a new friend (someone I work with that I have never met, but met through a mutual project - #winning #BINGO…make a new friend)

a new playlist on Spotify suggested by Morning Brew in my email this morning

(try both Morning Brew for a summation of news AND Cigarettes after Sex- the spotify playlist of calm mellow tunes)

always the birdsong - a joyous symphony right outside my window

some early morning Sun Salutations

Emily coming for dinner tonight (missing my big kids so much; need to zoom zach in)

Health - always the health.  

Gratitude

I thought I would write a blogpost every day of the Covid 19 quarantine…..hasn’t happened.  I write every morning without fail for at least 15 minutes; it’s a promise I made to myself a few years ago, and I’ve been pretty consistent with it, but I just haven’t felt like posting anything.  One thing I discovered in my very busy work/travel/mom life is that I needed habits to ground me.  I needed things I did every single day to keep me focused on what is important and to keep me creative.  Now that my work/travel/mom life has become very different (it’s been 18 days so far), I’m feeling the need to shake things up a bit and change my habits and daily activities around a bit so that this staying home thing doesn’t feel like groundhog day.  I’m insanely grateful that I have a home I love and people I love to share it with during this time - don’t get me wrong.  However, I thrive on change; I thrive on seeing new places, meeting new people, experiencing new things.  So, my next challenge during this “sabbatical” from regular life is to find a way to stay challenged in my own environment. How do I shake things up a bit right here in my own home? I follow a lot of interesting people on Instagram - one is Jesse Itzler who is a pretty amazing human.  He leads a course called Build Your Life Resume where he challenges people to live their best life - a life that isn’t necessarily about one certain type of accomplishment, but building a life that YOU want to live, that you will be proud of.  We have this limited time here on our glorious planet; how are we living it and what are we doing to make it the best it can be? He’s sent out a free “accountability” chart for the month of April - challenging people to look at three areas of life - Wellness, Business, and Family/Friends - and establish a goal each week.  I like this idea and plan to implement it; will try to choose something different each week in each category.

One other trick I’m trying is moving from room to room for my work from home life.  I’m on a lot of zoom calls; if they are ones I don’t have to be looking at the computer for, I’ve started taking them while walking.  On a nice day, I move to the back porch and enjoy the birdsong.  Sometimes I sit in the living room, sometimes at my desk, sometimes I sit on my bed in my room.  The changed environments make me feel a little less trapped, and make me appreciate the various spaces in my home. I’ve also taken up cooking a new recipe several days a week - THIS has been a lot of fun.  We’ve mostly been eating a plant based diet since the beginning of the year, and I have to say it makes me feel GREAT.  (I will say we consider ourselves 90% plant based eating and 10% eat whatever the heck we want…we aren’t too rigid).  There are soooo many amazing plant based recipes out there.  This time has made me realize just how important mindset is;  it’s truly the only thing we control.  We can feel confined during this quarantine period, or we can feel empowered to embrace new things, to dig deep inside ourselves and to find a way to live our very best lives in this moment just as things are.  I try to go back to the gratitude every single time.  Every day I list ten things I”m grateful for; today I’m going to share them -

Grateful for

More time with Wilson - he’s growing up fast and it’s awesome to watch it 

the sound of our neighborhood owl hooting outside my window this morning as I write

the symphony of birdsong in my backyard

the time to write and read

a job I can work from home with and work that I enjoy

a great partner who always has a wonderful attitude

some amazing new playlists I’ve found on Spotify

green pistachio pesto risotto recipe I tried last night

my dear friend Halle who brought me a bouquet of flowers yesterday

my health and all the health care workers who are taking care of the world right now

I encourage you to start this simple habit.  Just ten things you are grateful for every single day.  You can write in a paper journal, in an online journal, in your notes section of your phone, scratched on a napkin - whatever.  Taking the time to reflect on the beauty of your life truly does bring you back to what’s important.  Many people are struggling right now, many people have overwhelming challenges in this moment….no matter where you are, try to bring it back to the gratitude.  It shapes your mindset, perspective, and ability to move forward in a positive direction.  And- don’t forget to ask for help if you need it; we are all in this together.  Sending love to all my beautiful people.  Grateful for you.  

Just Breathe

Every day as I sit down to write, I try to think of all the good things.  I try to think of what the potential upside of this quarantine is; I try to think about what I’m learning about myself and other people through this experience.  I try to think about what the universe may be telling me, or telling US.  Everything about our world changed in a few short weeks.  Every day we wake up wondering what is new and what the scientists and experts are saying….and we wonder if the leader of our country will listen to them.  (this is a new and unsettling experience in and of itself). So many unsettling and “out of control” type experiences.  I saw a painting in a coffee shop about twenty years ago; I still think about it because I really loved it (I couldn’t afford it at the time); it was beautiful and colorful and it was entitled “control is an illusion”.  This has stayed wedged in my brain all of these years because it’s so very true and it’s something I struggle with every day.  There is very little we can truly control, yet we spend a great deal of time and energy attempting to control things.  The reality - the only thing we can control (and this I’ve learned from hours and hours of meditation) is our mind.  We do have the ability to shift from a place of worry and fear and anxiety to a place of calm and centered and peaceful.  But we have to STOP, SIT, and BREATHE to do it.  I’m not anxious about a lot of things, but I have struggled with a fear of flying for many, many years.  Meditation has helped me tremendously to cope with this fear; I won’t say overcome it, as it still circles beneath the surface, but I can DEAL with it now.  I have to make myself STOP, SIT and BREATHE and focus solely on my breath to manage it.  It no longer manages me, which is a wonderful thing.  

It goes back to that universe thing for me - we have suddenly been forced to stop, sit and breathe.  We’ve been forced to stop DOING and start BEING.   In this BEING, we can find peace and comfort. In this being we get back to focusing on what is good and what is ok right now in this minute.  If you can focus on the in breath and the out breath and nothing else for just a few minutes each day, you will just feel better.  If you are feeling anxious during all of this change and upheaval, try it!  It’s not rocket science, but it does take a little time commitment. Sit in a room alone in a comfortable posture, and focus on breathing in and breathing out.  Your mind will wander; it’s ok! When you catch it wandering, bring it gently back to the breath.  Don’t beat yourself up for being distracted; it’s part of the process.  Over time, your mind wanders less and less and less.  You find yourself feeling anxious less and less and less.  You know that at any time you can just go back to your breath.   You will find over time that you handle things better in general, you don’t get all out of whack when something external throws you off kilter.  Back to the breath.  You can manage your monkey mind.  Be gentle with yourself and others in these times; we are all experiencing COVID-19 in different ways.   Try to stay focused on how you can manage your own anxiety. You can also focus on just one word as you breathe in and breathe out….love, comfort, peace, joy….whatever word you need today.  This is one small thing you CAN control.  Sending love to everyone today - don’t forget to breathe.  

Italia

March 21

I can’t stop.  I came across a James Cordon carpool karaoke video this morning and now I literally can’t stop watching them.  I’m sitting on the couch  with my EarPods in and laughing out loud to the point of crying thinking about how much I love music and how magical it is to watch him just cut up with various singers and actors.  I fell in love with the show when I first saw the Paul McCartney episode, but now I just watch them all; even if I’m not that familiar with the performers.  Music has a way of soothing the soul and taking you to a different place; more into your soul and less in your head.  It certainly got my day off to a good start.  The rest of the day went well too.  We committed to very little news and instead got some exercise, cooked some great Italian food, and had a Godfather marathon.  I have never seen the Godfather movies - which seems insane, but I realized they came out when I was only about six years old.  It was amazing to see Robert DeNiro, James Caan, Marlon Brandon, and Al Pacino as young men at the start of their acting careers.   The cinematography, scenes in New York, Italy, Lake Tahoe and Las Vegas were stunning, and the acting…wow.  Thoroughly enjoyed parts one and two and still need to finish three…that’s a LOT of Godfather in a single day, but hey - the upside of quarantine.  Hope to finish the 3rd today.  

Ah Italy.  The olive oil, the wine, the landscape, the people, the culture, the spirit.  I find myself thinking so much about Italy these days - my friends there, my upcoming (and unlikely) wedding there this summer, the sunflowers, my experiences there over the past two years, the sights, the s smells, the sheer beauty of Italy.  I wrote a poem of sorts on my last trip there.  I think I will share it now.  Sometimes I like to just write random words as opposed to sentences and paragraphs.  It’s long but captures my last trip there so well.  I went to celebrate an old friend’s 50th birthday (my third trip to Italy in an 18 month period, and one of the best experiences ever).  We went with a group of about 30 people - we didn’t know most of them prior to going; an incredible group of people and a delightful adventure thoughtfully planned and designed by Mike’s wife, Dominique - I will be forever grateful for the delicious and gorgeous and laughter filled journey! 

Italy Words train of thought…….

#grappawithgreto

cobblestone streets of Rome

real room keys with tassels 

thirst quenched Aperol spritz and Limoncello

cocktail lounge

bright lights and beautiful bar

street food expedition

all the bread all the meat all the cheese

sunset over the Tiber

iPhone 11 captures it all

ancient ruins surround me

the old meets the new

crisp linens

delightful aperitivo

crisp chips and salty nuts

white wine

red wine

full moon over cathedral and fountain

salty cheesy tomatoey meaty garlicky

pistachio cookies

tastebuds delight

red wine

white wine

morning sun

walk through the neighborhood

cobblestones, bridges and sanctuaries

bird poop and theft

bus rides and glee

hangover or car sick

prosecco bubbles

bus rides

distracted angry bus driver

pit stops

more bubbles

laughter and neck braces

road to Greco

all the seafood

all the spaghetti

laundry flapping in the breeze

from the balconies and windows

overlooking the sea

arrivaderci!

slight delay who cares

all the joy

back on the bus

almost to Amalfi

winding goat strewn roads

narrow and harrowing

nail biting and breathtaking

how much more can we take

trees and eucalyptus and mountain and sea

around the bend yet again 

hairpin turn in a bus

don’t look down

we are on the “safe side”

now we aren’t

driver on the phone

is he ok

vomit comet

back up car

we are coming through

Ravello or bust

all the way to the top

suitcase suitcase suitcase

up the hill

through the cobblestones

into the beauty

of the Palazzo Avino

all the pink

all the green

all the sea

and flower and umbrella and arch and stone and beauty

unending water

and cliff and seaside

green and lush 

the smell of the sea

the sound of glee

push open the windows

breathe in the beauty

open the drawers

smell the shampoo

feel the slippers

drink more bubbles

shower and dress and reception

All the beautiful people

under the blackened sky lit by glorious moon

the Amalfi coast shimmers like Christmas lights along the shore

beckon

see me 

taste me

feel me

embrace me

wallow in me

don’t forget me

dive in my sea

taste my grapes

lush in their fullness

harvest time

scent of lemon and rosemary

earth and sea

taste of the ocean

ripe luscious tomatoes and fresh basil heaven

oil of olives

nuts of trees

hot steaming rich coffee

warm milk on the side

croissant croissant croissant

all the bread

all the time

over the hills and through the lemon and olive orchards

to the ruins 

locked door

no matter

beautiful views

spectacular walk

lovely laughter

Italian stylish hats and joyous smiles

the blue of the sea

juxtaposition of green and yellow and red and orange

and allll the colors of the Amalfi

bus ride grappa feel the burn

fields and vines and lemons and sun

friendships old and new

toasts and roasts and laughter and cake

love and gratitude

sharing

red wine

white wine

bubbles

not in that order

birthday love

beautiful meal

great conversation

smiles and laughter

sun reflected in the sea

saltwater on my skin, in my hair in my eyes

buoyancy

salty

fresh and cold

sore feet from the rocky bottom

full from the delicious feast

gratitude for the opportunity and beauty

yellow and pink and green and orange pastel houses and shops dot the hillsides

rocky ruins scattered throughout

laced with grapevines and olive trees and rugged cliffs

towering above the busy narrow streets 

boats and sails and smells

more red, white, and bubbles

warm bath

sleep.  hard hard sleep

rest day

walking and running through the hillside

down the hills 

through the streets

through the farms and the fields

hello little donkey

so many lizards

bright bright sun

parched yet happy

back up up up wayyyy up the hill

poolside

white wine white wine white wine by the glass by the bottle

all the sun

all the view

all the laughter

all the hats

all the sunglasses

bougainvillea purple

flowers in pink

different people yet all the same

taking it in

enjoying the beauty

loving Greto’s happiness

a trip well planned

by the love of his life

beautiful couple

happy for their joy and being surrounded by love

scent of the spa

warm massage

gentle relaxation

dancing in the room - all the Beatles, all the bubbles

fancy dinner

all the beautiful people

joy for our tastebuds

morning sickness (the alcohol kind not the baby kind)

too much wine food (who has the pepto)

should I go or should I stay

how can I get up when I’m possibly dying

not enough sleep….

delayed trip to Capri

better late than never

quivering stomach watching rocking of the boat

must sit up top to settle my stomach

salty cold sea air 

sunglasses and sun 

Bask jacket snuggles

Cliffs and rocks and ocean spray

Capri beauty

“convertible” cabs - pink and white and sea blue

smiles and photos and giggles from the back seat

oohs and ahhs of the views below

so much to see

so little time

gorgeous seaside deck

white and bamboo and blue and yellow and cocktails and tunes

dancing and laughing

and seafood  all the seafood

temptation room heaven

chocolate and fruit and pastry and cream

lemon tart

delicioso

perfecto

warm bath

early night 

last in Ravello

Italian music 

dimly lit cobblestone streets

red and white and bubbles

early morning

last coffee delivery

no croissants too early 

headed to Modena

train station scurrying and lugging of luggage and where is the bathroom

and then the ride

across the hills

through the fog

between the trees

in mostly silence

as we all processed

where we had been

what we had seen and felt and done

through the tunnels 

more potato chips and bubbles and espresso

gratitude for the million little details

thoughtfully curated

by our hosts

Bologna taxi line efficiency

trading euros for dollars with new friends

heading toward delight

the Casa Maria Luigia experience

like no other

brilliant in its beauty

every. last. detail. perfection.

beautiful villa

exquisite rooms

Gucci wallpaper leaf and vine

wall to wall to wall albums

art and music and music and art

and design

the refrigerator!!!

snacks under glass prepared just for us

pink bubbles

black cabinets and walls

and white and black fragile china

two cherry art

leaf drawing

meanwhile the outdoors

the lush fresh gardens

red “door to the garden”

small “she shed” 

swinging with joy

poolside delight

coca cola in the poolhouse

the time is always NOW

fountains and trees and grass and rosemary

olives and birch and cypress and oak trees

ai wei wei and legos

hidden bar in the cocktail room

waving hands framed

all angles

leather and velvet

wood and bourbon and gin and vodka and wine

poolside mummy 

brief nap in the quiet dark of the gorgeous room

art tour!

be ready

Lara delights with her words 

about words

and their importance and significance and power and potential

words carry meaning

be it hateful or kind

and last forever

the words

quotes in light

art in color

art in black and white

red white and fucking blue

perfectly placed and balanced

tables art too

the sea tucked in the drawer of one 

amidst the leather chairs

glass chandeliers

accidentally left

and repurposed

as if they always belonged in this spot

above the check in

next to the ying and yang sofas

carefully handpicked by Massimo and Lara

welcoming all to their glorious space

the soft evening light floating over the cobblestones

between the villa and the carriage house

now a glorious kitchen and dining room

only room for twenty

bubbles and red and white await

the beautifully dressed friends

who now are closer

through experience 

and joy

art on the walls 

Damien Hirst 

a play on drug labels

and nourishment

simplicity

followed by so much flavor in tiny dishes

oysters meet lime granita

broth and caviar and crunch

animated love and joy by chef Jessica

beautiful food

more bubbles and white and red

the five ages of parmesan light and crisp and full and creamy and foamy

piece de resistance

the crunchy part of the lasagna

to be eaten with your fingers

dipping the overcooked baked again pasta in the sauce and the cheese and the love

the next the favorite for me

the spinning plates

allllll the colors - the green, red, yellow, orange

pure vegetables disguised as splattered art

on bright white plate trimmed in silver

beef coated in herbs - sous vide the word and need of the day

let’s buy one!

recreate this dish

impossible yet lofty

I love it

melt in your mouth

Nebbiolo alongside

Langhe

Casa E. Di Mirafiore

nothing like it

crusty bread to lick the plate

literally

recommended by chef

cheesy salty delectable tortellini as palate cleanse…more more more

chocolate and raspberry

deconstructed lemon tart - capers, salt, basil, tiny pieces of art alongside

broken yet perfect.  

It’s perfect

its broken

just like southern italy

leave space in your life for poetry

when something imperfect happens its perfect

WWMD

How to break the rules

let me count the ways

so much heart

in all the words

of all the people

break the rules

live by the rules

you get one life

it’s yours

see the world

feel the love

examine the beauty

the details

making a playlist

in the midst of the laughs

not quite right

but not quite wrong

too tired and full to dance 

want to just process all of it 

so many emotions

“full”ish moon over the courtyard (foolish?) fullish? I like to make up my own words

the glow of the night is lovely

the lights of the kitchen bright

no room left for nightcap

more love of the art

feeling all the feels

on the last night in Modena.  the only night in Modena

there will be more nights in Modena 

of this I am sure

Rough night of sleep

Early morning coffee in the garden 

followed by breakfast of kings and queens in the carriage house (9 courses 9 hours ago)

Gardens and fountains and art and music and food and wine

oh my

People enjoying Paris and Venice and allll the other places now

scattered over Italy and France and elsewhere

Off to San Gimignano for a quick dance with my memories

Of birthdays of my own, of vines and friends, and my son Zach

With whom I shared a glorious adventure here

Through the fields of sunflowers in the summer

though the cobblestoned streets of Siena and Lucca and San Gimignano

With wine and cheese and picnics and Brunello and Grappa

Rekindling friendships and building new here on this journey

grateful for all of it

sunshine and laughter

more bubbles and white and red

in this special place

that has my heart

whatsapp continues

the funny and silly and heartfelt

the travel woes and travel joys

the hives, the luggage, the photos, the friendships

all thanks to you Mike Greto 

So glad to know you

and now to get know your people

thank you for sharing

thank you for all of it (Domi and Mike)

Here’s to 50 years on this planet 

and the next 50 with all the joy, tears, learning, love, grace, beauty, and hugs

Back to reality and all of its different yet wonderful beauty.  

Home sweet home.  Half the beauty of travel is the coming home.  

All the love for Italy right now.  The suffering there is real.  The fear is real. The death toll from covid-19 is real.  May this beautiful country recover soon and may the bells ring throughout the squares and the sun shine on this beautiful land and these beautiful people.  Until I see you again.  

Bella's hugs and more

My dog is happier than she’s ever been!  Her people are here…all…the…time.  She gets multiple walks a day, fed on time, and hugs on demand.  If you’ve never experienced a dog that hugs, come by after all this is over -Bella is a hugger! She literally leans her whole 95 pound body into yours until you sit down, lean in, and she puts her head on your shoulder.  It’s pretty wonderful.  Grateful for that.  Today’s writing will be all about the gratitude because it’s the one thing that always brings me back from the edge.  It brings me back from the potential of a funk or of spiraling into some crap in my own head.  This Covid -19 situation certainly can get into your head…make you question all kinds of things, and spiral between feeling wonderful and grounded to “omg how long is this going to last?” and “how can I stay isolated for weeks on end?”.  The reality.  Everything is ok in this moment.  Gratitude brings you right back to that. So today, I’m just going to write a gratitude list.

Grateful for my runs with my dear friend Audrey every morning.  (we do run several feet apart and yell at each other as we talk…it’s kind of comical).  Audrey is an amazing human - a sharp mind and a never ending surprise to me.  She has a beautiful depth combined with an amazing kindness, and I learn something new from her every single time we are together.  We go back and forth between talking about Covid and recipes and books and movies and pop culture and kids and our neighborhood and trees and birds and whatever pops into our minds.   I love it when she talks about her work or tells a story - first, because it’s interesting and also because she is forcing me to run faster than I’m comfortable with , and I can’t actually speak because I’m gasping for air.  So grateful for her and her company.

Grateful for my partner Robb.  We genuinely just love being together; he really is my favorite person, and we have an understanding that if either of us needs space we just say the word and go to opposite ends of the house.  No judgement.  No hurt feelings.  Pretty awesome.  We have had a great time cooking together this week, having wine on the front porch during our designated “transition time”, and watching movies we have always wanted to watch together - currently on The Godfather.  In case you are wondering, “transition time” is a designated time for an hour between working from home and transitioning to life after work.  When you work from home it’s easy to just. keep. working.  Suddenly you’re starving, you look up and it’s 8 pm and you have been working for twelve hours.  Not sustainable.  So, we implemented “transition time” - it holds us accountable to putting away work and allows us some time together to just talk and have a glass of wine on the porch.  I highly recommend it for those of you who have just started working from home.  Taking regular walking breaks throughout the day is also important! (hence, Bella’s happiness…)

So many things to be grateful for - not the least of which is health in general.  We always take our health for granted, until we get sick.   As we look at the situation with COVID around the world, and now unfolding in the United States, I am saddened and overwhelmed by the potential for mass infection.  I am grateful that most people I know are taking the “stay home” direction seriously, and I’m grateful that we have the opportunity to “flatten the curve” by taking appropriate actions as a nation.  The ball seems to be rolling in that direction….even more speed is needed.  

Grateful for my kids  - none of them are with me right now, but I’ve been mastering snapchat with Wilson and spoke to both Emily and Zach today.  I love the humans that they are; Emily is busy convincing people to have a blood drive in the midst of this chaos , and Zach is planting a garden.  Wilson doing his online school every day and seems to be learning well this way. I’m so proud of how engaged he is….secretly afraid he may want to “home school” forever.  

 While virtual interaction isn’t the same as in person, it can be fun!  I was so grateful for my wonderful friend Kristin’s FaceTime call early this morning during coffee time.  Something about her beautiful smiling face and positive attitude just made my day.  

What are you grateful for today?  Make a list of the big things and the little things…there are so many, it’s hard to find a stopping point!  

a few more:

birdsong in the back yard (sounds like a jungle out there!)

a great run this morning

calls from friends

figuring things out at work

meditation

great books to read

great movies to watch

cooking at home

delicious vegetables

a mastermind session with some awesome people

Atlanta in the spring! (everything blooming….)

Day Four Covid aka spring in the ATL

I woke up this morning feeling a little off - no wonder; everything is upside down these days.   As I went through my morning routine of writing and reading followed by a nice run outdoors, I felt better.  It’s shocking just how much these little things can make you feel better immediately.  I knew I had a day of calls ahead, coupled with some 7th grade math help (I don’t think I was that much help as I certainly don’t remember the formulas for the area of a rectangular prism…) Thank God for google! Wilson asked the very wise question - “at what point will I use this in life?”  I felt pretty good about my answer - it’s not ABOUT that.  It’s about LEARNING how to LEARN….figuring out a way to find an answer to a complex situation…THIS you will use every single day of your life, WILSON!  

We all are juggling this “new normal” now; juggling the demands of work with family like never before, working remotely (which I mostly do anyway) with other people in the house also working remotely, and trying to stay focused on the important things.  The one thing that REALLY made my day today was a FaceTime call from my daughter Emily and her cat, Poppy.  I was shocked at how just this simple thing made me smile and laugh and just want to hug her through the phone.  Facetime someone today - that simple little connection is so powerful! 

We’ve been debating the take out food dilemma….I think we’ve decided we are comfortable with picking it up from a local restaurant (we want to support them!), sanitizing the box and eating it at home.  I am the antithesis of a germaphobe (five second rule is my middle name)…so I find this all a bit unsettling.  However, I’m taking the advice of experts in all that I do right now in an effort to stem the spread of this virus.  

One thing my daughter said when she called me this morning was that she woke up with a commitment on her mind; a commitment to NEVER taking alllll the little things for granted in the future.  She was referring to the little things like going to the gym, popping into the grocery store a couple of times a week, hanging out with friends at a restaurant or a bar,  running into a local store to buy a birthday gift for a friend…..I couldn’t agree with her more.  I miss hugging people.  We have a very walkable neighborhood and it’s not uncommon for me to run into people I know when I’m out walking or running - and it’s so natural for me to hug them.  I’m looking forward to that return to normalcy!  

In the meantime, I’m grateful for the fresh air when I head outside for a run, spring happening in Atlanta (the most BEAUTIFUL time of year here) , our neighborhood market that seems to have everything we need, a school system that is doing virtual school each day to keep Wilson somewhat focused on learning, a job I can work from home, and the restful feeling of being home every night, and the time to just sit and BE; less doing and going, more BEING.  

There is something so wondrous about being still.  This weird time in our life gives us more time for stillness.  More time for thinking.  Makes me think of a Rumi quote  - “In Silence there is eloquence.  Stop weaving and see how the pattern improves.”.  Be still.