Ora

 I wake up today feeling a bit more optimistic and less exhausted.  Thank goodness.  I had a rough couple of days.  It’s been a long few months.  I am a few days from being out of a weird long limbo period at work, and frankly I just had a shift in mindset - a shift  from pushing to letting go.  Truly.  A shift from worrying about the past or the future (mostly future) and just standing on Stinson Beach watching the seagulls; these cute little birds that stand on one leg to stay warm.  They stick their heads back in their feathers to self soothe. Let’s talk about self soothing - what I know doesn’t work (or doesn’t soothe)  is screaming fuck at the top of your lungs in your rental car with the broken out window.  I don’t know, actually, maybe that did help a little bit! I know what doesn’t help is letting the negative thoughts spin wildly out of control as your brain prepares for every last potential negative scenario - as if by picturing it, you can make it NOT happen, as if by planning for it, you can predetermine the outcome. I know what doesn’t work is getting all worked up and feeling hateful toward everyone around you.  None of that works. What works? Letting go.  Truly.  Giving it all up to the universe in a real way, and being present in THIS moment.  The cycle of “planning ahead and preparing for all scenarios” is my Achille’s heel.  This cycle is why I got my tattoo that says “ora” - which means “now” in Italian.  I literally have this permanently inked on my skin - right on my wrist where I can see it… and still, I forget.  Over and over and over again, I forget. I forget that all we have is right now, THIS moment.  Then, I have to forgive myself - forgive myself for being human, and forgive myself for drifting toward this dark place. Breathe. Relax. Let go. I also know that maybe, just maybe, going to that dark place once in awhile really is what helps you get out of it, over it, through it… all the prepositions of it!  How do I learn to self-soothe, like the seagulls?  I can look externally for soothing - I can read positive articles, look at cute photos of baby cows on Instagram, linger in the hug of my wonderful husband, try to force myself to look to the light, but ultimately, it is only through “self” soothing that you finally get through it.  It is only when you recognize that, as Wayne Dyer said,  “You cannot always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside”.  In order to control what goes on inside, though, you do have to work through it in one way or another - not ignore it. 

I just have to FEEL it all - I can’t just stuff down the emotions that come simmering to the surface. I also can’t dwell there forever.  How do I find the balance? This is always the question.  Finding the balance - and knowing that balance doesn’t exist.  Everything real and true in life is a paradox. Just giving myself the space and time to feel what I need to feel, all the while, under the surface, knowing that, like everything, this too shall pass.  It always does.  I was worried yesterday when I woke up and the dark still hadn’t passed. I woke up and felt so exhausted and so sad and just so…. spent.

I recognize that what I am feeling is extreme burnout.  This burnout likely comes from years spent trying to prove I’m good enough, smart enough, worthy enough, and that I can handle the heaps of responsibility thrown on my shoulders.  It likely also stems from years of trying to prove something to many someones, years of pushing myself to learn more, be more, take on more, do more, constantly striving for some kind of external validation.   This pressure comes on top of trying to be a good wife, a good mom, a good friend, a creative person.  The creativity has saved me. I love the advice - write about what fucking hurts (I added the fucking - it just adds flavor)- it always helps in the healing process.  The poetry workshops, a creative retreat in Italy, the daily writing, being swept away by beautiful music or art….the leaning into the right side of my brain is what has and always will remind me of who I am underneath it all.  It heals me. The left side of my brain continually tries to take over with the “facts” of - you are not a trained writer (who do you think you are writing poetry or stories or opinions about things?), AND you should find the logical answer to whatever question you are asking.  Facts are facts.  Dwell in reality please!  The right side of my brain fights its way into my psyche with thoughts of intuition and magic and wonder.  This is where I want to live.  I don’t  want to be a crazy person who ONLY lives in magical thinking, but I want to recognize the right side (and daily!, in the words of Mary Oliver) as my guide and my best friend.  There is a lot of left brain in my day to day, but I don’t want rationality and fear to guide my every move. I want to allow room for serendipity and joy and miracles.    

Doors have repeatedly been closing for me.  I know there is a reason.  I don’t know what the reason is, but I do know that given the Herculean effort I put into opening these doors, the fact that they closed means there is something bigger, better, and beyond my imagination waiting for me. The universe is on my side.  I know this to be true. I even SLAMMED a door shut myself recently which wasn’t easy for me to do (what if the treasure lies behind THAT door?). In my photo memories today, a photo of this quote popped up.  What a powerful thought -  “Saying no may feel like a great risk.  But you are better off moving forward with patience so that the right people and opportunities have time to fully intersect with your path.”  What a novel concept!!  What is going to “fully intersect with my path”?  “Moving forward with patience” feels like an oxymoron to me.  Patience to me always feels like standing still, and fuck if I don’t hate to stand still. Standing still feels lazy. Standing still results in nothing getting done.  Patience is a virtue, but it has never been one of mine. What if I looked at patience as a form of moving forward?  What if NOT moving is actually moving?  The Tao de Ching has this as a core premise. “Water is fluid, soft, and yielding.  But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield.  As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard.  This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.”  What if I am fluid, soft, yielding, and PATIENT? What if I visualize that? I don’t have to be taking action, walking, running, wriggling, jumping, pushing TOWARD something. Just let the water flow. Yield. I just need to float on the raft of uncertainty down the “I don’t know” river.  I’m still moving, but I am not in control. This is the underlying issue.  My “go to” in my life has been taking control when things feel out of control. It has served me well, on repeat!  It has gotten me out of tough situations, it has gotten me all over the world, it has gotten me jobs, it has gotten me new houses, it has gotten me great grades, it has gotten me divorced (which was ALWAYS a good, albeit hard, thing).  Simultaneously, when I REALLY look back at these situations…. WAS I in control, or just operating in the illusion of control? Was there a force, a wind, a current, that was propelling me toward what would be?  Had I been served up “whatever situation” to teach me something, to open my eyes to something, to train me, to prove that I am, in fact, NEVER in control?  When I think about the BEST things in my life… the VERY best…meeting my husband on a random flight from Detroit to Ft. Wayne, having my children, stumbling upon my dream home, landing the BEST jobs in my career, making wonderful friends, finding a magical beach in the middle of nowhere, money falling out of the sky when I most needed it…. all of these things were NOT things I pushed, they were things that unfolded - things that were served up to me. What if I look at every day as the unfolding? What will unfold today? What magic is there for me to absorb? What miracle is waiting to happen? 

When I get in a funk or deep in my ruminating head…. I need to examine the circumstances… I would almost bet my life that when I find myself in that awful place, I have created it.  I have created it through pushing, trying to control, having expectations, and thinking that it is all up to ME.  What an incredibly heavy burden I carry when I walk that path!  It’s like a damn backpack full of heavy books.  I am reminded of my adorable 10 year old little boy on a family camping trip. He was complaining about the weight of his backpack as we were hiking in to the campsite.  I reached over to grab it and help him for a bit, and oh my God it felt like 75 pounds.  I asked him what on earth he had in there.   He said - you told me to use my school backpack, so I did. I had told him to use his school backpack.   I unzipped it to find ALL of his textbooks!  He had just loaded his clothes on top of the books.  I guess my direction should have been more specific. I still chuckle when I think about it.  It’s a good lesson in unloading what you DON’T need.  I don’t NEED to carry the weight of everything (an entire semester of textbooks) ALL the time.  I can put things down, and then, when I’m feeling stronger, pick them back up again.  Or, just pick up ONE of them.  Who told me I am the pack mule for ALL things?  This is some protective mechanism I developed over the course of my life.  I need to carry all things because, if I don’t, who WILL?  

My lived experience until recent years has been just that.  Everything was on my shoulders (or at least that was my perception, my surety and my safety net)…. I didn’t have parents capable of physical, emotional, or spiritual support.  I didn’t choose husbands that supported me in the way I needed them to, and I had a lot of people depending on me. Growing up while feeling immense lack and a deep sense of “alone” shaped me.  It shaped me in a way that I need to work on UNDOING as an adult.  I am no longer that scared child. I am a grown-ass capable and lovable middle aged woman who has everything she could ever want and need. When I am triggered or stressed or anxious, all of that comes rushing back to me.  It’s a fight or flight response for sure.   Triggers bring out our worst selves and show us what still needs to be healed. That healing might take a lifetime. That rush of adrenaline, cortisol, “get er done” bullshit is no longer helpful to me; it’s  hurtful, in fact.  I have support.  I am not alone. I just need to remember this in my dark moments.  And sometimes I also just need to scream fuck at the top of my lungs in the rental car with the broken window.  Then, I need to go watch seagulls on the beach, knowing that all I have is right here, right now.  Ora. There is deep comfort in letting go.  If only I can figure out how.  I know I am getting better, I don’t have to be perfect, and in THIS moment, everything is just fine.  My Instagram just served me up this - “There will always be someone who doesn’t see your worth. Don’t let it be you”. (Mel Robbins). You are ok.  Right here.  Right now.  Ora.

If you need a great playlist - enjoy this one! Music is good for the soul.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3MbApcoIVgHsOw4p25TGiY?si=120dc603d1d1486a